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Stock photo of a conservative congressman who may or may not be a homosexual. We report, you decide.A press conference by Tripp “Pepper” Cutler, Representative (R-IN), proposing anti-gay legislation took an ironic turn today when the Congressman was found engaging in fellatio with one of his male staffers prior to the broadcast.

Unaware that the press had already set up their cameras and were on hand for the event, Cutler and the young boy stumbled into the room, pants around their ankles. "Pepper" then began performing oral sex on the youth, calling him his "Little Liebchen", while humming and slobbering on the boy’s turgid member.

An interrupting cough from a cameraman for FOX News startled the politician as he ducked behind his desk and adjusted his trousers accordingly. The male staffer zipped up and left without comment.

“Glad you could all make it today”, Cutler began nervously, wiping his chin, “I’d like to start by addressing the moral failings and sinful behavior of certain members of our society who feel their need for ‘rights’ trump the foundation of this nation’s finest traditions and family values. I would now like to propose House Bill HB-389 which would prevent homosexuals from attaining …”

Cutler sighed, then rose from his seat, revealing a gyrating dildo attachment on a Sybian underneath him.

“I’m finished, aren’t I?” he muttered to the stream of media persons slowly exiting the room.

Hot off the discovery of yet another ho-hum homosexual scandal in its midst, the Catholic Church was rocked today by news that its institution and messengers had gone an entire 72 hours without an unprincipled or hypocritical dive into hedonism or carnal depravity.

Vatican spokesman Cardinal Giuseppe DaNardi called the three day quiet an "unexpected and truly shocking" turn of events. So flummoxed and incredulous was DaNardi by the lack of degeneracy within the Papal realm that he finally burst out laughing in front of reporters and chastised them for "pulling his leg".

"You guys, I tell you", DaNardi chuckled, wagging his finger, "Sometimes, you are just the most. You'll have me believing all sorts of nonsense if I'm not careful. Don't you guys have a Mormon kidnapping or polygamous sex-slave ring to cover?"

Others Papists were equally stunned by the recent, albeit temporary, dearth of debauchery.

"Really?!", queried Monsignor Dash Liberato, "Nothing at all?! No financial improprieties? No threatening the peasants with excommunication if they don't pay up? No hush money to American media outlets for their silence? No diversionary stories of child abductions to allay focus from our predation of youth? No huge out of court settlements for calamitous health care screw-ups in our many hospitals? No pregnant nuns being disappeared or getting secretive abortions? No lawsuits for ill-conceived reproductive advice in our government sponsored, faith-based counseling centers? No relocations for our numerous pedophiles to continually skirt the law? No drunken brawls over the similarity of someone's mother to the Virgin Mary? No father beating his daughter within an inch of her life for being seen with a colored guy in the neighborhood? No secular or non-Catholic applicants suing for unfair hiring practices or mistreatment in the workplace? No burnings of heretics in our controlled third world hellholes? No gay prostitution rings running out of the Pope's summer home? No Priests found with their hands down a little boy's pants? No..."

He was stopped there by three large gentlemen in suits who swiftly whisked the Monsignor away to an awaiting limousine.

"I'm still quite surprised", he shouted as they pushed him by his head into the vehicle.

But just as mysteriously as the quiet had come, reports began surfacing about a cannibal priest at a Gambian mission who has been boiling alive his converted flock of natives and using their flesh as a blood sacrifice to Jesus, whom he claims has an insatiable hunger for dark meat and possesses a sexy, sinewy, swimmer's body with which he would really like to transubstantiate.  

The Church itself has made no comment on these allegations or the lack of wantonness and lascivious behavior from their employees in the last few days.

His Holiness, The Pope, could not be reached as he was attending a Nazi memorabilia convention in Salzburg.        

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Updated results below, at end of post!!!!!!!

I’m just going to come right out and say it. No decent film lover or cinema enthusiast should take anything related to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences seriously. It’s a rigged, multi-faceted con game of celebrity ego, shallow popularity, industry onanism and shady horse trading.
Rarely, if ever, are the most deserving films and/or people awarded and significantly less often are the proper films and people even nominated.
It’s an MTV/Nickelodeon awards ceremony for dimwitted adult philistines.
Which is not to say that the gambling possibilities involved in such an endeavor are not ripe for the plucking.
Over the years I have cast my lot into various Oscar pools, ran a few of my own, won a few, been cheated out of a few more, but always managed to make a good showing. Which is not typically true for those with the breadth of film knowledge and aesthetic purity that I possess. Generally, impeccable taste and an undying belief that not every year has to turn into an artistic mind fuck for the truly talented tends to create gaping errors in Oscar pool judgment. Better off to peer into the Hollywood abyss with a cynical eye and realize that pool winners are born from the calculative appreciation of knowing what the vapid cesspool of entertainment professionals will likely vote for above the Pollyanna naiveté of believing they will do what is just and true. Or, if you are a complete idiot, choosing your personal favorite to win, assuring you a crushing defeat.   
This year will be a bit different for me. Once upon a time I made it my business to see most, if not all, of the nominated films prior to the ceremony, thinking this would give me the ultimate edge in prognostication. I found over the years that it could easily be argued that ingesting all of the nominees beforehand was inversely damaging to one's ability to predict the winners. Too many personal issues get in the way of sound, cool-headed, bloodless judgment. Especially with the technical categories. One tiny glimpse of a finely crafted garment of chic modernism and your temporary bias could overcome the inevitable fact that stodgy English period pieces almost always win for "Costume Design". Similarly, having seen the four astoundingly better performances by other supporting actresses in 1990 would have cost you. Simply for doing what was decent and sensible by not voting for Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.
And this year is particularly noxious for not including what should have been a no-brainer, shoo-in for “Best Picture” along with many other awards - The Road. Its lack of a single nomination reeks of politics.
It’s all a fool’s game.
Fortunately, I have a sixth sense for fools.
So hop up on the C. Adolph Oscar Pool Bandwagon and come on in for the big win.
Without further ado:

C. Adolph’s 2010 Academy Award Predictions

Best Picture - This is a perfect example of how abysmally self-gratifying this has all become for the motion picture industry. There has been a slew of films in this category recently that aren’t even good enough to be nominated, let alone win (Slumdog Millionaire, Crash, Million Dollar Baby, Chicago, A Beautiful Mind, ad nausea), so the Academy’s answer to this dilemma is to expand the fucking field to ten nominees. “What’s that you say? Your plate of shit is displeasing? Let’s just spoon some more on there for you.”
Winner: The Hurt Locker

Best Actor - Two man race. Clooney’s losing wind.
Winner: Jeff Bridges

Best Actress - Been a long time for Streep (who was robbed for Doubt) and Julia Child is a beloved icon, but the Hollywood race often goes to the shallow.
Winner: Sandra Bullock

Best Director - ‘Bout time a chick won this thing. Hell, there’s a black President. Might as well be female directors. I just wish Bigelow’s oeuvre was a little more impressive. I mean - Mission Zero, K-19: The Widowmaker, Strange Days and Point Break? C’mon. Renny Harlin deserves an Oscar by those standards. She did have to fuck James Cameron for a few years, however. She’s probably earned it. God knows the evil kinks that man must demand to be satisfied.
Winner: Kathryn Bigelow

Best Supporting Actor - Way too much buzz on Waltz for him not to win.
Winner: Christoph Waltz

Best Supporting Actress - So you don’t think the Academy Awards and all it stands for is so much bilge water? After Sunday night - Number of Oscars: Stanley Kubrick - 0, Mo’Nique - 1.
Winner: Mo’Nique

Best Original Screenplay - I’m leaning Hurt Locker here and if it does beat out Inglorious Basterds  for this it should win “Best Picture” over Avatar.
Winner: Hurt Locker

Best Adapted Screenplay - No contest.
Winner: Up in the Air

Best Foreign Language Film - Got to go with the Krauts this year.
Winner: The White Ribbon

Best Animated Feature Film - What a bullshit category. And the best actor Oscar goes to… Stewie Griffin!
Winner: Up

And the technicals…

Art Direction
Winner: Avatar

Cinematography
Winner: Avatar

Costume Design
Winner: The Young Victoria

Documentary
Winner: The Cove

Film Editing
Winner: The Hurt locker

Makeup
Winner: Star Trek

Original Score
Winner: Up

Original Song
Winner: “The Weary Kind”, Crazy Heart

Sound Editing
Winner: Avatar

Sound Mixing
Winner: Avatar

Visual Effects
Winner: Avatar

Interesting bit of lunar paranoia from the fruit of David Bowie’s loins (had to be careful with the wording on that sentence, I can tell you), Duncan Jones.
Moon is sort of Solaris meets 2001 meets Silent Running with a little of John Carpenter’s overrated cult hit Dark Star thrown in for the film’s small dash of humor.
Sam Rockwell plays Sam, a working man on the moon, hired by an energy conglomerate to oversee its helium excavations on Earth’s favorite satellite. In this not too distant future man has overcome his fossil fuel woes and the planet is - by the standards of the company’s press releases anyway - a carefree, energy efficient and wonderful place to live. Which, given the bloodlust for oil these days, sounds like a pretty reasonable assessment of a world with energy options.
Sam has been stationed alone at the processing facility for almost three years now and his stint is nearly up. His days consist primarily of maintaining the equipment on base, venturing out on the lunar surface to check on the automated roving harvesters and trying to keep a sense of sanity amidst the isolation and loneliness.
He is assisted by a do-all computer named “GERTY” (voiced by Kevin Spacey), his co-worker and ersatz friend, that is frightfully reminiscent of HAL from 2001. But Jones’ script is a bit cleverer than sheer homage and veers from this obvious technophobia into less explored territory. Namely, and without being too ambitious, the philosophical notions of not only “what” it is to be human, but “who” we are as individuals.
SPOILER ALERT: we don’t really ever find out, which is why Moon outshines most of the sci-fi dreck out there.
It’s a plaintive meditation on the self that keeps you on an intellectual edge throughout. Is all the paranoia justified? Is the energy company a nefarious entity with ulterior motives? What about GERTY‘s loyalties? Is Jones making some grand socio-political/economic statement about the dehumanization of the worker in contemporary corporate culture? Is he exploring the boundaries of human consciousness? Or are all of the strange happenings simply due to the fact that Sam has lost his fucking mind from what Ren and Stimpy called “Space Madness”?
And my own personal question outside the parameters of this most enjoyable film – is Sam Rockwell the weirdest actor working in Hollywood today?

I've made it to the big time on the international email sex circuit! This is my second missive in two weeks and came from Hallie Stewart via a hotmail account. My future second Bolshie bride, Liliya, is not quite as fluent in English as my first Slavic honeybun, Irina, but I like her eagerness to please. My favorite bits in the email are in bold:

Hi my new friend!

I only wished to write to you the letter and to tell as in general my letter got to you! First I would like to speak a little about myself my name is Liliya to me 28 years I live in Russian Federation to Kanash. photo in the appendix to the letter . I was in agency of acquaintance and to me advised yours e-mail the address I do not know whence they him took but they gave me yours e-mail that I could have acquaintance to you. And I only wanted that you have spent about 10 minutes both looked my a photo and my data and received from you the answer you would like to have acquaintance to me or you only would not like this? Tell to me I so only the nobility it much would like. Also I shall wait much your answer. I started to search the man as to me very alone and 28 years and I do not have man if you wish to begin with me correspondence or easier to begin acquaintance tell to me your answer. I shall wait much! I hope your new friend well I hope that I can become for you friend Liliya! Can you send me you photo and story life on my e-mail: XXXXXXXXX@juno.com (Deletion mine)

P. S. My photo and all data are in archive.