NFL's Coolest Names

The Baskerville Holmes' Commemorative Coolest-Athlete-Names-Ever Awards (NFL Edition)

In the mid-80s the Memphis State Tigers were a monster of a basketball team. They dominated the Metro Conference during those years and crushed my alma mater, FSU, every time they played them. Although insignificant in sports lore, there was a player for the Tigers with the unusual and ultra-cool moniker of Baskerville Holmes. Apparently his mother was quite the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle fan and dubbed her progeny with this unique name. To me, it still remains the hippest, most bad-ass name to ever appear in the sports pages. Sadly, Baskerville had a rather nasty checkout back in 1997. A murder/suicide incident involving his wife and himself. The details remain sketchy (he claimed the killing of his wife was an accident before turning the gun on himself) but it was nonetheless a tragedy and forever tarnished that great fucking name. But I'm a forgiving son-of-a-bitch and have thus compiled a list in his honor of current NFL players with uncommonly fresh appellations.

I have further broken the list down into subcategories to better get a grasp on their beauty, silliness, appropriateness or otherness.

First, the just plain fucking cool names. It wouldn't matter if you were 5'4" with a limp and a lisp. With names like these you can walk around the gridiron with full confidence:

Drew Brees

Limas Sweed

T.J Houshmandzadeh

Chad Ochocinco

Domata Peko

Dre' Bly

Lawyer Milloy

Mansfield Wrotto 

Then, there are the heavily exotic ones starting with the bevy of islanders in the game:

Lofa Tatupu

Kaluka Maiava

Ropati Pitoitua

Pisa Tinoisamoa

Fili Moala

Tamba Hali

Legedu Naanee

Deuce Lutui

Troy Polamalu

Lousaka Polite

The decidedly ethnic:

Sav Rocca

Cortland Finnegan

Sabby Piscitelli

Aqib Talib

Chilo Rachal

Olindo Mare

Ovie Mughelli

Dusty Dvoracek

The African connection:

Chinedum Ndukwe

Samkon Gado

Chike Okeafor

And a strange amount of our French cousins:

Ryan Pontbriand

Max Jean-Gilles

Pierre Garcon

D'Anthony Batiste

Pierson Prioleau

Early Doucet

Ricky Jean-Francois

Kyries Hebert

There are guys with names that simply do not belong on a football field:

Chris Gocong

Guy Whimper (my favorite "non-football" name)

Sage Rosenfels

Atari Bigby

BenJarvus Green-Ellis

Channing Crowder

Ziggy Hood

Rex Hadnot

Andrew Economos

Jonathan Stinchcomb

Tyler Thigpen

Devard Darling

Darcel McBath

Correll Buckhalter

LaRod Stephens-Howling

Keith Zinger

And guys with names that only belong on a football field:

Igor Olshansky

Turk McBride

Tully Banta-Cain

Tank Johnson

Macho Harris

Colt Brennan

Quentin Jammer

Na'il Diggs

Julius Peppers

Zach Strief

E.J. Biggers

Arnaz Battle

Takeo Spikes

D'Brickashaw Ferguson

There are some with names like movie characters:

Jeremiah Johnson

Vonta Leach

Vonnie Holiday

Cooper Carlisle

Jeremy Trueblood

King Dunlap

Quintin Demps

Madison Hedgecock

Swayze Waters

Xavier Omon

Trai Essex

Glover Quin

Richie Incognito

And then there are just oddball ones:

Flozell Adams

Gosder Cherilus

Chansi Stuckey

Jericho Cotchery

Ashton Youboty

Syndric Steptoe

Hank Poteat

Samari Rolle

Oniel Cousins

Alge Crumpler

Bo Scaife

and my ridiculous favorite:

C.J. Ah You

But they all make the game (and announcers' jobs) a bit more fascinating. I think Baskerville would have approved. R.I.P., Brother.