Aunt Gladys: Our New Victorian (or "Time Waits for No Man")
Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 9:45AM 
As I slowly creep up on the half-century mark of existence on this godforsaken hellhole we call earth, my perceptions of time and history continue to fluctuate radically - to the point where I seem to be living in separate realities. As if the person remembering the events of my past is not really me at all, but some documenter of my life who happens to know me very well. Then, at times, the me of the past seems like a pure fiction that this current crusty asshole's body (which I now inhabit) has simply concocted for the purpose of shits and giggles.
Then again, I think, perhaps all these identity issues and dissolutions of myself and my past are occurring simply because I drink way too much and have alcohol dementia.
Regardless, these out-of-psyche phenomena are the most fascinating aspects of aging. A constant study and struggle to put yourself into a historical context that jibes with the realities of your past and the "you" that is recalling it all.
Time often seems so fleeting. At other times, numbingly protracted. It's difficult to get a perspective on it. I find it amazing to think that my Father's generation fought in World War II, a conflict which seems so... so ancient in the scheme of things. Almost pre-motorized. Hell, the Germans sometimes used horses to haul supplies. The Holocaust was still occurring a mere 19 years before my birth.
I then turn around and realize that the inundation of personal computers and the internet is primarily less than 15 years old, so much a staple of my everyday life now that it's barely conceivable I was ever without them.
Bookends of weirdness for my middle-aged life.
And don't even get me started on certain film openings. I am always stunned to think how many years it has been since I first saw some of my favorites. The crippling awareness of age I felt the other day when I realized that Blue Velvet is a 23-year-old film (and Goodfellas is nearing 20) is simply too much for this decrepit cinephile to handle. I might as well be giving out my fogyish objections to the introduction of technicolor film or sound at this point. Maturation is a mean and fickle bitch.
All this chronological identity confusion peaked a few weeks back when Simone and I purchased our most recent home; a 108-year-old Victorian beauty that, much like its current owners, is showing signs of decay within its stately understated exterior.
We have christened her Gladys. A fine and fittingly antiquated moniker for a domicile that indeed has the character and quirkiness of an eccentric, rather dotty old aunt.
The main sewer pipe broke during our first week, oozing what our plumber eloquently and professionally referred to as "shit water" onto the basement floor. My toilet would not flush properly due to a comb being stuck in the innards of the porcelain. We believe it might have been Jane Austen's grooming device. Floorboards creak with supernatural rhythms. The oil heater looks like a furnace at a slag pit. There are muffled, bloodcurdling screams emanating from a dark room in the corner of the cellar. Although, Simone says that might be from the gagged and partially drugged cheerleaders I have chained down there. Especially after I mist ammonia into their eyes. They say it's unfair. I say they got runnin' in their blood. And my skull aches when it rains.
Ah, the pitfalls of homeownership!
But it all got me to thinking. A 108-year-old house. Can you imagine the memories this old abode contains within its walls? It was erected when the automobile was still a curiosity. It would be two years before Orville and Wilbur Wright's successful flight. Cher was born. And while I am not about to take the plunge into rigorous research regarding this particular dwelling (I am not paid for such indulgences), I did drum up a few archival facts from the time of its inception.
When our little beauty was built, the year was 1901:
Australia declared its independence from the Federation of English colonies, opening its first parliament in Melbourne.
The first great Texas oil gusher was discovered at Spindletop in Beaumont.
Baseball's American League played its first games.
Chekhov's Three Sisters opened at the Moscow Art Theater.
Queen Victoria's 64 year reign (longer than any other British Monarch) ended with her death at age 81. Prince Albert Edward succeeded her.
The Loop-the-loop centrifugal Roller Coaster was patented by Ed Prescot.
J.P. Morgan formed the US Steel Corporation.
Winston Churchill made his maiden speech in the British House of Commons.
The first territorial legislature of Hawaii convened.
In Bremen, an assassin attempted to kill Wilhelm II of Germany.
A showing of seventy-one Vincent van Gogh paintings in Paris, 11 years after his death, created a sensation.
New York became the first state to require auto license plates. The fee was $1.
A fire destroyed 1,700 buildings in Jacksonville, Florida.
The first Memorial Day was celebrated in the U.S.
The College Board introduced its first standardized test, the forerunner to the SAT.
Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid robbed a train for $40,000 in Wagner, Montana.
Pablo Picasso, aged 19, had his first exhibition in Paris.
Author O. Henry was released from prison in Austin, Texas after serving three years for embezzlement.
The Cadillac Motor Company was founded.
Hubert Cecil Booth patented the vacuum cleaner.
Construction began on the New York Stock Exchange.
Vice President Theodore Roosevelt uttered, "Speak softly and carry a big stick" at the Minnesota State Fair.
President William McKinley was shot by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan American Exposition in Buffalo, NY. He died 8 days later. Theodore Roosevelt was sworn in as President of the United States.
The "Executive Mansion" was renamed "The White House" by President Roosevelt.
The Boxer Rebellion ended in China.
Britain's first Royal Naval submarine was launched.
Schoolteacher Anna Taylor became the first woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and survive.
The first use of a "getaway car" occurred after bandits held up a shop in Paris.
Gustav Mahler's 4th Symphony in G premiered.
Gillette patented its first disposable razor.
The first Nobel Peace Prizes were awarded five years after Alfred Nobel's death.
Cuba became a U.S. protectorate.
Guglielmo Marconi sent the first transatlantic radio signal from Cornwall to Newfoundland.
Marconi received the first transatlantic radio signal from England to the U.S. - Morse code for the letter "S".
Yale University celebrated its bicentennial.
Scotland Yard created a fingerprint archive.
Alzheimer's disease was described for the first time by German psychiatrist Alois Alzheimer.
BIRTHS
Frank Zamboni - American inventor (Hockey fans rejoice)
Clark Gable - American actor
Zeppo Marx - American comedian
Emporer Hirohito - Japanese ruler
Blind Willie McTell - American musician
Gary Cooper - American actor
Sam Jaffe - American film producer
Anastasia - Grand Duchess of Russia
Chuck Taylor - Basketball player and maker of the greatest sneaker of all time
Nelson Eddy - American singer and actor
Louis Armstrong - Jazz musician, god
Ed Sullivan - American TeeVee personality
Enrico Fermi - Italian physicist
George Gallup, American statistician and pollster
Walt Disney - Animator, film producer, anti-Semite, ruler of evil empire
Margaret Mead - American cultural anthropologist
Marlene Dietrich - German-American actress
DEATHS
Queen Victoria - U.K. Monarch
Guiseppe Verdi - Italian composer
Benjamin Harrison - 23rd U.S. President
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec - French Painter, dwarf
William McKinley - 25th President of the U.S.
Quite astounding, no?
Earlier, I mentioned the atrocities of The Holocaust being a brief 19 years before my birth. To put this whole temporal bemusement into the proper light, I would like to mention that the actual pogrom to eliminate the Jews in Europe was only in effect for approximately 12 years, yet it is regarded by the majority of people in civilized society to be the most unjustifiable horror ever committed by man toward his fellow man.
However, Justin Timberlake has been "making music" for almost 15 years. Frankly, with no end in sight.
Now, I ask you, what seems the more eternal crime against humanity?
Time is a curious one.
Reader Comments (2)
What a gorgeous old gal. I think you two are really going to love it. And I understamd that it was built on an old Indian burial ground too. Nope, nothing wrong here.
We are doomed. It's true. But not from the anger of the Iroquois.
That's not actually a photo of the girl. For anonymity, I drummed one up from the intertoobs. But it's close. Think a new coat of paint and a more bustling neighborhood.
You should visit, my friend. The northeast is splendid. Free thinkers and gorgeous sisters abound. Holy shit, your hard-on in Philly would never subside. The winters are a bitch, but peace of mind and community always comes at a price.
C.