Survival of the Fittest (Another Radical Teabag Approach to Entitlements) Part 1

I am seldom one to stir up trouble where seemingly none exists, but there has grown an acceptance of a discriminatory practice in our modern culture that I simply must speak out against.

Like most movements based on leveling society's playing fields, it began innocently enough. A few instances of preferential treatment here. Some demarcations of favoritism there. Before we knew it, the majority of us had surrendered a large portion of our rights as individuals to the shortsighted appeasement of a minority. A self-inflicted wound to which no legal recourse apparently exists. In our desire to be fair, reasonable and benevolent, we destroyed the very essence of what this proud nation once stood for and was built upon.

I am speaking, of course, to the amount of parking spaces now dedicated to those with some type of condition or disability.

Now, prior to being attacked as some sort of callous, cynical misanthrope (that about pegs me though, really), I would like to state my very rational protestations to this proliferation of parking prejudices and partialities. I would also like to stop using alliteration for cheap laughs and effect. 

If, after hearing me out, you pitchfork-toting, torch-wielding villagers still want to storm the castle and destroy the monster that is I, who only wishes to speak truth to power, then so be it. I will accept your condemnation. Along with your pointy tines and fire.

As Larry David so eloquently defined his role as a citizen on Curb Your Enthusiasm, I too am an "improver" not an "inventor". I can barely create a solid bowel movement in the morning let alone something useful or beneficial to mankind. Dependent upon my innovation or energy, humans would still be working on the wheel. But show me an existing policy, gadget, ideology or person with glaring flaws or misdirected purpose and I will be the first to offer my multifaceted talents in correcting or bettering the situation at hand.

Let's begin by assaying the very real problem of "false hope" currently being foisted upon the handicapped. The "up with people", "little train that could", "if you can dream it you can do it" optimists that fill the cripple's head with this sort of "can do" attitude are helping no one but themselves and their egomaniacal sense of altruistic self-worth. Urging on the limbless, the retarded or the infirmed to accomplish tasks that come second nature to the rest of us is no more heroic an act as laughing at them when they inevitably fail. It is essentially cruel. And nowhere near as funny. Sometimes cynicism and the admittance of defeat is a healthier approach to life's random, cursed folly.

Guess what?

Lost your legs in a car crash? Your aspirations toward the gold via an Olympic track and field career are over. At least the ones where you can't cheat with bionically designed springs attached to your stumps. That's not running, it's bouncing. You are not the handicapped Carl Lewis. You are a cyborgian monster of atrophied flesh and twisted metal.

Arms severed off in a buzz saw incident? Your dream of soloing on piano at Carnegie Hall is off the table. And I don't buy into that Def Leppard drummer nonsense. No one else had the courage to say it but, after the accident, I could hear the difference in the high hat.

Eyes gouged out in a bar room brawl?  Becoming head of neurosurgery at the Mayo Clinic is looking unlikely.

Suffer from anemia? Extended Antarctic expeditions are right out.

Down's Syndrome? The RNC Chairmanship is out of your... well, wait a minute...

But contemporary society would have you believe that nothing is unattainable if you have the will and discipline to realize it.

What an absolute crock of shit.

What happened to the quiet dignity of being a shut-in?

Handicapped individuals have the greatest excuse of all to sit on their fat asses, do nothing and have others wait on them hand and foot. Particularly if they have no hands or feet.

That is an unattainable goal for many of us. A carte blanche festival of selective idleness. Especially for those of us, like myself, who are downright lazy and fiercely proud of it. To us there is nothing sillier than some dumb, energetic, over-achieving asshole who can't sit still for a minute because they intrinsically fear the down-time of being alone with their own thoughts. There is a reason we desire "the lap of luxury". Because it is quite obvious that anything to do with a "lap" in that context requires sitting. "Luxury" is almost superfluous at that point. Stop running laps and start creating them.

To boot, the advent of the computer and its associated torpidity has been the finest boon to the handicapped lifestyle since the motorized wheelchair. Cripples should be erecting shrines to Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Computing is what allows the disabled to be functioning and useful members of our society - not rock climbing or holding the reins to an Iditarod dog-sled team between their teeth. Instead of attempting to scale Kilimanjaro with only your arms for propulsion or swimming the English Channel with ergonomic flippers attached to your nubs, try writing a novel or developing some worthwhile code to prevent spam e-mails or pop-up ads. Ditch the Lance Armstrong nonsense and take a page out of Stephen Hawking's book (no, not the one with drool on it. Here, I'll tear it out for you).

Know your limitations.

There is no better advice available to anybody, disabled or not. Most of the horrors unleashed on humankind have been those born of blind ambition, overreaching ego and a lack of self-awareness. Think mommy-blogging, Christian rock or Sarah Palin to hammer that point home.

Relax, My Malformed Motherfuckers. Put down the bungee cords and start typing with your blow-tube.

I know that is a bit of tough love. And I apologize for speaking to you in that tone. But it is the only way to lead me to the purpose of this article; reversing the overwhelming proliferation of "conditional" parking spaces.

I also apologize for singling out the handicapped only. Lately, there are all sorts of people who are treated preferentially with regard to asphalt resource allocation.

Which brings me to my uncontainable rage:

Why I have to navigate miles of macadam - past empty, unused, blue-lined areas of governmentally specified space - to reach the front door of my strip club destination.

Next: Part 2 - Science, the Facts and Proposed Legislation.

Comments

[pooks]

Can't make up my mind - brilliant piece of satire, or a true masterpiece of ass-holery.
Huh.

[C. Adolph Moores]

Most likely a little of both.