Survival of the Fittest (Another Radical Teabag Approach to Entitlements) Part 2

I am not arguing for the abolition of handicap parking spaces. I fully understand their purpose. I would not want to live in a society without them. All of our citizens should have the assistance they need. Hell, I may need help one day. I am simply questioning the numbers.

My intense research - an exhaustive 45-minute study involving the internet, some phone calls to like-minded anger-sacks and a few saunters around my grocery store, local tavern and home improvement lots - revealed my suspicions to be warranted.

National figures state that 18% of the population has some form of disability. Yet, in most parking lots (especially ones for small establishments) the ratio of handicap to non-handicap spaces approaches 25-30%. This is a ridiculous overcompensation for less than a fifth of the entire population. Not to mention that most of the severely disabled do not even have licenses or are able to drive.

Additionally, in smaller lots, they're close to the fucking door anyway, no matter where they park. And if you bring up the fact that handicap spots aren't for drivers only, I would suggest that if you have suckered somebody into carting your ass around in the car - then you can certainly guilt them into pushing your ass around in a wheelchair for the length of a parking lot.  

Most aggravating however is the fact that the dedicated spaces are most often empty - held in some bizarre anticipation of a voluminous phantom caravan of gimps, amputees and the lame who at any moment are sure to descend on our shopping areas and restaurants like a swarm of hobbled locusts.

These observations, devastatingly acute as they might be, do not even get into the issues of fakes, sandbaggers, goldbrickers, lard-asses and hypochondriacs. There are many people out there who believe turning fifty-five earns them the right to a handicap tag. I don't believe the original intent of doling out these stickers to the disabled was for every geriatric, or whiny asshole with diabetes, or dipshit with a pain in their ankle or some obese weakling who eats 48 Snickers and three pot roasts every meal to occupy the prime parking real estate next to the door.   

Furthermore, the figures are often wrongfully skewed in favor of the handicapped by including the vast number of parking spaces in oversized lots which belong to entities like Lowes, Home Depot or Wal-Mart. Companies which buy land like robber barons to satisfy their blubber engorged consumers with parking areas the size of football stadium lots. They provide more handicapped spaces per lot but, proportionally, they fuck the deck for this study by providing hundreds of spaces miles away which are included in the ratios. When reduced to a mean parking lot area, say eight rows deep by ten wide (large by any calculation in the Northeast), they are equally guilty of overcompensating the crippled. At least Wal-Mart has an excuse. Their morbidly fleshy clientele would most likely fall dead from thrombosis halfway through their walk to the entrance if these spaces weren't provided.

Other companies are simply guilty of catering to an already overly pampered crowd.

Why does my local bar have a 30% handicap parking spot ratio? It's dangerous enough for heavy drinkers on the road without some hammered IED fodder or former DUI crash victim fucking up the mix. I don't want you navigating my neighborhood, tanked to the gills, while using your chin to press a makeshift gas pedal. I don't give a shit if you can hold your liquor. You sure seem to have a hard time holding it with those hooks for hands.

And what about grocery stores and restaurants? Holy Jeebus. This is where not even the handicap get a fucking break. Where the vagina begins to stalk and rule our parking lots.

"Reserved for Expectant Mothers".

"Saved for Mothers with Young Children".

"Reserved for People Without Dicks Because They Do Most of the Shopping".

"Pink Ribbon Parking for the Cure".

"Got a Cunt? Be My Guest".

"Those with Clitoral Syphilis Only".

Alright, I made a few of those up.       

Still, it's getting silly.

I am in no way suggesting a Road Warrior type free-for-all for parking spaces (not everyplace should be like Philadelphia) but a little restraint on handing out privileged permits would be greatly appreciated. There are enough signs, pesky traffic rules, idiot drivers and general inconveniences already out there on America's roads to turn a  relaxing car ride into a nerve-rattling, white-knuckled death race to doom. I don't need the added headache of not finding a parking spot after I survive the perilous vehicular gauntlet.

I'm going to propose a few sensible changes to the rules in order to benefit all of society:

 1) You must be missing or lack the use of at least one limb to be considered handicapped.

2) The number of handicap parking spaces will be reduced to 10% of all existing parking spaces. Stores that wish to include more reserve the right to be boycotted by the "Abled".

3) No parking spots will be reserved for pregnant women or those with small children. You pampered whores need the exercise more than anybody. Besides, over-reproduction should be punished, not rewarded. There are diminishing resources on this planet, Lady. And, quite frankly, you look fat in those pants.

4) Anyone showing a blue handicap sticker in their car window and occupying a reserved handicapped parking space can, at anytime, be subject to a random test certifying their disability. These tests will be administered by any able-bodied person or persons who feel slighted or smell a rat. As a missing limb will be obvious (see rule #1) only those with allegedly non-functioning limbs will be tested. Long pins may be stabbed into "numb" appendages to assess authenticity of the claim. Others may be chased with a cattle prod to evaluate degrees of mobility. If no disability can be determined, the challenger and the allegedly disabled person will enter into a foot race to the entrance door to determine the proper owner of the parking space. The loser will be vanquished. His vehicle and ownership thereof will be transferred to the winner. If a disability is found, the challenger must apologize profusely and buy the confronted a large beverage of their choice (including those expensive high end smoothies). This should help prevent excessive challenges (and harassment) of the truly handicapped.

5) Any elderly person (over the age of 55) who claims disability and puts in for a handicapped parking sticker will have their driver's license permanently revoked. You should not be driving at that advanced age regardless, especially if you have other limitations as well.

 The revolution will start by reclaiming the "Pregnant and/or Mother w/ children" spaces first. These are not legally recognized, so their seizure is not a punishable offense. It is however a strong political statement and can act as the seeds for our blossoming revolution.

Stop the entitlements which benefit the few, harm the many and exasperate the drunken.

Let's take a step back from the abyss of "Nanny State" bureaucracy and free up our prime parking spaces for those who really need them. We poor bastards with jobs who have to walk around all day on our functioning limbs. The fate and future of the nation depends upon it. Whether we choose our country to be a celebration of the strong, sinewy and agile or, rather, to plunge deep into the dark depths of disablement, mollycoddling and cowardly assistance for all.

Comments

[pooks]

elderly person is anyone over 55?
you so wrooooong...