Yes, It Really Is All About My Penis.

I awoke this morning with a throbbing erection or, rather, the throbbing erection awoke me. It was one of those pulsations born of the bladder, not of the dreamily erotic. A veritable bushido blade of flesh heated in the fires of Prometheus and tempered by Thor’s mighty hammer. A hard-on that could cut glass or shave a radish, depending on the need.

The problem with these morning ragers is that sex, even if tenable by your partner at that unlikely time, is nearly impossible due to the renal aching and an eager urethra. If you can hold off the Johnsonville-like torrent lapping against your dam, the sex is rather amazing. You can delay orgasm for quite some time and you remain, thanks to the ersatz pressure washer hose between your legs, as rigid as a town elder scolding the local whore.

But intercourse is typically the last thing on your mind when you finally succumb to the fourteenth bargain with the gods of Nod and realize you must get up and pee or you will indeed wet the bed.

Then, the tricky part. You must wait until your erection subsides to avoid the curious “sprinkler effect” from your fully engorged urine tube. You may long for relief, but haste at this point will only ensure a long, fetid, cleanup of urea from your toilet seat, towel rack, mirror, talcum powder dispenser, razor, and perhaps, pet.

Best to wait.

To ease the blood flow back into the torso, I tend to think of the most unattractive woman imaginable taking a dump (Bay Buchanan usually wins out), right there on my toilet. Or what the Jets’ chances are of making the playoffs. That usually does the trick.

When the tsunami is unleashed, the sound is deafening and the fury is raging. I’ll put that flow up against Victoria Falls any day. After about five minutes, an exhausted exhale and a celebratory “woo” signals Simone to ask if I’m okay. I assure her I am.

For I am a man, with special "man problems". And my morning wood is like the sequoia; thick, mighty, mysterious and a national treasure. Also, squirrels like to climb on it.