July 4th in Philly (Part 2)

Great Googly Moogly, I've Been Teabagged!

Simone and I found the bar empty. Even the ugly, dipsomaniacal hordes of derelict Philadelphians can barely match our passion for the drink. It was noon and we were there for a purpose. To dull our senses for the evil that awaited us at 3 PM on the greens of Independence Mall. We had been cordially invited to one of the Re-Tea Parties being held all across the nation. We couldn't refuse. It was too tempting. We felt our attendance was a sacred duty. To gather information, do a head count, dispel rumors, set records straight, mock our inferiors, spread some real patriotism around and quite frankly, to take photos of the traitorous seditionists for the sake of prosecution and public square ridicule. We had seen a strange looking man with a milk crate and a handmade sign which read "Stop Obama's Nazi Health Plan" passing out fliers earlier at the parade. So, this had all the promise of being a frightful gaze into the belly of the beast of the teabag.

The first lesson a revolutionary must learn is that he is a doomed man. Unless he understands this, he does not grasp the essential meaning of his life.

                                               - Huey Newton, Co-founder of the Black Panther Party

For the unenlightened, the teabag parties primarily started over the furor against the bailouts. Not so much the bailout George Bush watched over mind you, but more of the one that Obama oversaw. According to the teabaggers, it wasn't necessarily a good thing that Bush decided to flush taxpayer money down the Wall Street toilet, but at least it wasn't a colored guy or a Democrat doing it. That was just too damn much to stomach.

So they arose in rebellion, like their colonial forefathers before them, to protest taxation without representation. A fine calling. No problem here. More power to them.

But wait. Something stunk.

When one looked deeper into the whirling eddy of the boiling tea pot, all sorts of lunatics started bubbling to the surface. It was far from a united movement to protest uncontrolled government spending. In fact, it was simply a conglomerate of right wingers, bigots, conspiracy theorists and conservative Independents who hated the fact that Republicans no longer held the reins of power.

Here's a list of the some of the signs Simone and I saw:

"Enough is enough no more bailouts"

"Gold is money"

"Drill Here Drill Now"

"The thought of national health care makes me sick"

"Obama pay for your own Acorns"

"Socialism destroys lives"

"He wouldn't salute the symbol of freedom and liberty that many have given their lives for"

"Where's the Birth Certificate?"

As you can see, a bit of an ideological hodgepodge that quickly reduces itself to a bitter hatred of the current President. Don't get me wrong, I have disowned that lying, no good, ball-less, bait-and-switch bastard myself, albeit for different reasons. But where were all these jackasses when the Bush Administration was fucking this country up beyond all recognition? Certainly not sitting in lawn chairs on the grass of Independence Mall bitching about the erosion of their civil liberties, their money (off the books no less) going down the rabbit hole of Iraq and Afghanistan or the billions of dollars we hand to a warmongering Israel every year on a platter.

And that's the problem with the teabaggers. They gripe about a tax rate that is one of the lowest of any industrialized nation on Earth. They wring their hands over a tax increase on the wealthiest 5% of Americans, under the delusion that those people live by the same fiscal rules as the rest of us and that one day they themselves will soar to those financial heights. Most of them were protesting a tax plan that would actually reduce their obligation.

They've bought the self-defeating lies of the GOP hook, line and sinker. The "what's good for the wealthy is good for everyone" mantra introduced by the scourge of the middle class, Ronald Reagan.

These dupes never protest the real evils and underhandedness of our government. Everything else about the U.S. is just peachy keen with them - the torturing, the preventive detention, the infusion of religious dogma into government, the illegal surveillance, the perpetual wars for Empire, the bloated defense budgets, the racial injustice, the institutionalized poverty, the growing prison/police state - anything that smacks of authoritarianism is jim dandy. But take a little money out of their pockets for anything but the military or law enforcement and they are all of a sudden storming the Bastille.

And here is the rub. Usually, when you go to mass rallies or grassroots protests, there is a diverse representation from all strata of society. A sort of unified bond that brings people of various ideologies and stature together for a common cause - be it war, poverty, civil rights, injustice, the environment, etc.

But Simone and I looked around the crowd at the teabag party in Philly and it was like glimpsing a Lawrence Welk television audience. They were mostly ages 40-65, overwhelmingly Caucasian, middle class/well-to-do and decidedly self-serving.

It sort of saps the spirit of insurrection and revolution when you leave your protest, pack up your lawn chairs and your "End Socialism Now!" signage and hop into your Land Rover to head back to your four bedroom house in the 'burbs.

What exactly is your gripe again?

These are the kind of people who watch It's a Wonderful Life and root for Mr. Potter.

True patriots call their government out on all of its wrongdoings, not just when it adversely effects their pocketbook.

Fancying yourself as a modern day Paine radical or Molly Pitcher loses its focus when you've brought a cooler of Bud Light and bags of Chick-fil-A to the rebellion. Protests stemming from violations of conscience are usually a tad more credible than ones arising from positions of greed or selfishness.

Ultimately, the Tea Parties are the physical symptoms of a mass anxiety - the collective nervous breakdown - of American conservatives, which began with the utter failure of the Bush Administration, the crushing defeat of Karl Rove's permanent Republican majority and the ascendance of a black guy to the Presidency of the United States some nine months ago.

They still can't believe it happened. They can't understand how it could.

It's that simple.

Most of them are truly convinced the country's slide into recession and the fiscal irresponsibility and abuses of power began on January 20th, 2009. Of course, they also believe that creeping Socialism is the root cause of all the problems, not the last thirty years of an unchecked greed feast where deregulated capitalism ran amok.

Whatever let's you sleep at night I guess.

Simone and I had a brief run-in with a Lyndon LaRouche supporter with bad teeth. The kind of dental anomaly where there is about a quarter-inch space between every single tooth. It's one thing to hear the conspiratorial blather of an idiot like LaRouche being spouted today, but quite another to see it spewing from the mouth of a guy with tiny arrayed tombstones for teeth. Unsettling indeed.

So, according to the "Grin Reaper", ole Lyndon is quite sure that Obama has modeled his health plan directly after Adolph Hitler's in Nazi Germany.

Which brings up the question, "Did the Brown Shirts have a co-pay?"

And was Ernst Rohm's male lover covered under the Nazi's "civil union" policies?

LaRouche does this by equating euthanasia methods (the T4 program) practiced in the Reich - the eradication of "undesirables" like the mentally ill, the retarded, and the chronically infirmed - with the Obama Administration's suggestion of legalizing "right to die" and "assisted suicide" options.

Let's just say LaRouche's leap from patient's choice to government induced euthanasia is, well, not fully explored in the pamphlet. There are over fifty references to Hitler and the Nazi's in its fifteen and one-half pages. LaRouche calls the politically powerless Elizabeth II "the wicked little queen in London" and refers to George Soros as an "international dope pusher".

Interestingly enough, LaRouche also overuses the terms "sane", "sanity", "lunatic" and "brainwashed" throughout.

Hmmmm.

One needs to keep in mind that Lyndon LaRouche reached the height of his political relevance (even insignificant then) right around the time Flock of Seagulls were on the charts. Then he went to jail for mail fraud and tax code violations. Then he proclaimed himself to be the most persecuted man since Christ Almighty.

We soon grew weary of "The Spaceman of Chiclet Gap". I dismissed him with a "Where were all you fanatics when George Bush was laying waste to the country?"

To which he replied, "We wanted to impeach Cheney!"

Huh?

Shit, who didn't? I want that fucker strung up at the Hague. But it still didn't answer my question.

Simone and I were due back on planet earth so we retreated in disgust back to the bar and reflected on what the day meant to us. How beautiful and affirming it was to see Americans of all races, creeds and cultures gathered together to celebrate this daring experiment of democracy. We saw Indians in saris, Arab women in abayahs and hijabs, Chinese in bright silks with large dragon heads for the parade, tee-shirted members of the Falun Dafa meditating on the grass near the Liberty Bell, white folks in polyester knits and, of course, African-Americans in Terrell Owens jerseys.

We also spoke of our Founding Fathers. The incredible dangers they risked to fight for what they believed in. To carve out a daring new political ideology among the fledgling colonies of a yet untested land. They must have known they were playing with fire, taking on the strongest Empire of the age with only a joke of a standing army, a few good intentions and little cash in the bank. But these were bright, determined men and the best critical thinkers of their time. They succeeded through sacrifice, intellect, luck and a large degree of selflessness.

Which is why the teabaggers don't stand a chance. They are childish Ayn Randroids sold on the righteousness of their nepotism and myopic self-worship.

Welcome to the new land of Empire, my fellow assholes. Where belief in freedom, liberty and the inherent rights of all individuals is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with the corporate design.

And we'll crush any person or nation that thinks or acts otherwise.

God bless America.

Comments

[Fitz]

Oh great fun as always C.A.! The description of the discordant mob was quite reminiscent of P.J.O'Rourke's description of the loose conglomerate of anti-Bush/capitalism/meat/fur/et al mob on the Mall back in '03. And you never disappoint in typifying your very own stereotype, where everyone in favor of limited government may be dismissed as gap-toothed fools who don't like the coloreds. Good man, never examine their issues seriously, that will be too risky for your fortress-of-cards philosophy. For all your skewering of "myopic self-worship", are you not glancing inward and resorting to projection? No "sacrifice, intellect, luck and a large degree of selflessness" required when you run with the mob - perhaps you and Simone got confused and intended to celebrate that other revolution, the July 14th one?

[C. Adolph Moores]

Are you insinuating that "Bastille Day" is any less significant in the progress of freedom and liberty than our own Independence Day? Surely you have nothing against our dear French cousins and fellow patriots? After all, they saved our asses back in the day.
Or were you referring to the Iraqi coup d'etat of July 14th, 1958?
Perhaps you meant ten days in October?
For the sake of full disclosure, Simone was reciting Pete Seeger lyrics and screaming out The Internationale at the teabaggers.