Karl Kranston's "Where's the Wonderful?" (Week 1)

I'm introducing a new columnist today on CADOLPHMOORES.COM. Due to an increased workload, rising expenses for alcohol and weed research and really - for lack of anything the fuck better to do - I am proud to announce the web's maiden publishing of Karl Kranston; Kansan, social commentator and political gadfly from the Topeka Bugle. His syndicated column Where's the Wonderful?, an assortment of life lessons, bon mots (he'll hate the French reference), random thoughts and piercing observations, will be featured weekly here on these web pages. I will not be directly interacting with Karl or editing his pieces in any way. But feel free to ask him questions or leave him a comment as he will be responding on this site.

And now, I'm pleased to offer you at no additional expense, Dear Readers, the first installment of Karl Kranston's Where's the Wonderful?

Where's the Wonderful?

Karl "The Dutch Elm" KranstonHello Everybody!

My buddy Gil down at the VA who runs this little fishwrapper asked me to offer up some pearls (before swine!) of wisdom for his readers. So I began this little column in hopes of enlightening a few people, causing some chuckles here and there and generally just getting some things off my chest that I know you can relate to. If Gil thinks (after a few Budweisers, mind you) my malarkey is worth some space in his paper then I'll just have to trust him on that. It is definitely a work in progress so feel free to write me here at the Topeka Bugle with questions or concerns. That address is:

                                   1314 Haberstrom Rd.

                                     Topeka, Kansas

                                           66601

Soon as they get e-mail here at The Bugle we'll send that along as well.

Let's get started. Some interesting thoughts I've had recently:

These Arabs speak of torture down there at Guantanamo but I'll wager dollars to doughnuts they've never been forced to try my Mother-in-Law's pot roast!

I've always thought hard, hard rubber felt good on the skin.

Call me womanly, but I will no longer shower without my Moen bath stool.

Anybody know of a good handyman who can fix the cassette player in my car?

I've been looking for the road to riches all my life and I'm pretty sure it's not that left off Bannermann Way just past the Wendy's.

Sapphire is an underrated gem. Beautiful intensity. Just beautiful.

I keep telling my wife I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world except a 2-iron that I could hit well. And maybe Angie Dickinson.

I wish someone would have told me that the Hayes kid didn't steal my power drill BEFORE I went and ran him over with my Buick.

The way the country's going I'm starting to think a "Chinaman's chance" isn't such bad odds after all.

How does Olive Garden afford to give away all those salads and breadsticks?

The word "taint" sure has taken on a whole different meaning lately. Just try using it at a supper club nowadays. Should have learned my lesson with "trim".

I used to think Alice Cooper was a devil worshiper, but then I heard he was an avid golfer with a 7 handicap, so that just cannot be.

Will no one enjoy a nice shot of rye with me?

If "Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", how do you explain that case of the clap I brought home in 1973?

Sometimes I crave the caress of a Filipino boy masseuse. Does that make me "funny"?

That Sarah Palin may be crazier than a box of outhouse rats but a gal that pretty will get my vote every time.

I've always been one to swing away on a 3-0 count.

I'm not all that crazy for this internet thing but it sure has saved me a lot of money on skin mags and stamps!

Next Week: Focus Topeka. My adenoidal flare up and the unlikely chance of getting decent barbecue in NYC. Go Jayhawks!