X-rated Fortune Cookies & Poon

To suggest Chef Joe Poon is a gregarious extrovert is kind of like saying that Hitler was politically ambitious or Rosie O'Donnell is uneasy on the eyes. It is an absolute truth.

So when Simone and I were treated to a walking food tour ("Wok 'N Walk") of Philadelphia's Chinatown with Poon (stop snickering!) we discovered a man of uncommon warmth, vivacity and charm. We also realized that if we had to spend more than the allotted three hours with him, we would be forced to strangle him, wrap his body in plastic and duct tape and submerge it in a vat of boiling soup. He is that energetic.

Poon is a bit of a celebrity 'round these parts. He has appeared on national television with Jay Leno and Ellen DeGeneres and donates time, money and food to a variety of local causes. He is a multi-talented individual; self-promoter, restaurateur, businessman, chef, food sculptor, philanthropist, tour guide, historian, storyteller, cultural emissary and man about town. The only things he apparently cannot do is rest or close his cakehole. The man talks incessantly, as if one nanosecond of silence might cause the earth to implode on itself and send the galaxy into a careening death spiral.

He brims with knowledge, confidence and good humor though, which makes his constant flitting and buzzing tolerable. He's like a benevolently insane Chinese uncle who really wants to make sure everyone is having a good time. Fifteen minutes into our tour he had already nicknamed me "Macho Man" (due to my being exactly twice his size) and began behaving as if we had been friends since childhood. The man is engaging. I'll give him that. Simone picked his brain from the culinary angle, wanting to know about equipment and techniques he used as well as his entrepreneurship in the restaurant industry. All of which he was more than willing to share with a grin and many a tasty anecdote. There is no "chef ego" with Poon. He loves food, loves people who love food and has no reservations about leaking proprietary secrets or methods like other celebrity cooks.

He took us through markets, restaurant supply shops, restaurants, bookstores, kitchens, bakeries and a Buddhist temple. He taught us how to draw Chinese characters, talked about protein needs in vegetarian diets, quizzed us on what we had learned, handed out prizes for correct answers, told us about his family, shared Asian historical facts, let us in on the juicy details of his more upscale catering gigs, introduced us to friends, students and protégés, mocked the concept of tapas (my favorite moment) and finally brought us to that most sacred and holy of Chinese institutions - the fortune cookie factory.

As Joe and I had gotten to know each other pretty well by this point, he took me aside and bestowed upon me a gift so thoughtful, so appropriate, so specifically geared to my prurient interests in everything, that I bent down and hugged the man for the gesture.

"Thanks Poon", I said. This was surprisingly not the first time I had ever uttered those words.

"You're welcome, Macho Man", he replied.

It was a "grasshopper/pebble/hand/mentor" kind of moment.

I suddenly felt wiser and in tune with the mysterious sex secrets of the Orient for Joe Poon - chef, cultural ambassador, chatty Cathy and social butterfly - had given me a bag of cookies containing X-rated novelty fortunes.

He does know his audience.

I must share some with you now:

(Warning: they are very cheesy and groan-inducing)

1. Adolescent intercourse is a teenster's union
2. Masturbator: a self-made man
3. Sexual hang-up is the end of an obscene phone call
4. Nymphomaniac's diary is an organ recital
5. A voyeur is a window fan
6. Give penicillin to the man who has everything
7. Smart girl is one who play post office all night and get no mail (male) in box
8. It very easy to lie with straight face, but it's nicer to lie with curved body
9. Sex lecture: sermon on the mount
10. To be big success, chorus girl require attireless effort
11. Fruit cup is a jock strap for gays
12. Suburban husband is a gardener with sex privileges
13. Salesmanship is the difference between rape and rapture
14. The best years of a woman's life usually counted in man hours
15. If you want to get a youthful figure, ask a woman her age
16. Masseurs are people who knead people
17. Virgin: a girl who hasn't met her maker
18. Nymphomaniac says it's every man for herself
19. Russian police raid on transvestites is a drag nyet
20. Prostitute's vagina: a chamber of commerce
21. Bisexual: a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow
22. Sexual graffiti: glandwriting on the wall
23. Child support is paying off a gambling debt
24. Music lover is a girl who'll do it for a song
25. Biblical orgy: sharing the prophets

Afterwards, we feasted at his restaurant in Olde City while discussing the difficulties of maintaining viability in the food industry during economic downturns. We bandied about some promotional ideas and menu options but I think it was mostly small talk that Joe dismissed out of hand. If anyone is a master of self-promotion and a survivalist by nature in the grimmest of financial times, it is Joe Poon. I do not worry about him for a second even though, unfortunately, "Joe's Peking Duck" has since closed.

Joe will always do well for himself and others. He radiates confidence and has a seasoned gambler's instinct for the right plays. You can't take classes for the business acumen he possesses. He's forged from a pure, unstoppable energy force that seemingly has no "off" switch. A rare, strange, dynamo of a man whom it was my true pleasure to have met.

So sayeth the "Macho Man".

Comments

[Adrian]

I've met Chef Poon and you really nailed Joe's complex character in this wonderfully written article - if anyone reading this hasn't already done so, do yourself a favor and try one of Joe's wok n walk tours of Chinatown for yourself.