Karl Kranston's "Where's the Wonderful?" (Week 2)
Monday, August 3, 2009 at 6:20AM 
Karl "The Dutch Elm" Kranston
Where's the Wonderful?
Week two and we are moving forward. I must admit, your responses and enthusiastic outpourings did not exactly lap at the gate of our dam of wisdom. Gil has told me to press on. I am, if nothing else, a dutiful soldier. There's a war to win, People. Two, as a matter of fact, if you count the one here at home. Or three, as my editor is now telling me. My, that's a lot of war to fight. Some ruminations:
Sure it's the poor man's Frosted Flakes, but Farina's not so bad.
Whither the new skating rink, Topeka?
Careful when you advertise in the Topeka Penny Pincher, People. Stan Hanson, the sales rep down there, is a no account S.O.B.
I've never understood the term "cut of your jib". I don't sail, don't ever care to and dislike those who do.
Went to Chicago on business a few weeks back and saw a man carrying a purse. Imagine that.
I live for those cheese biscuits at Red Lobster.
My Old Milwaukee simply tastes better when drunk from a stein.
I refuse to eat at places that have the words "Fatty's" or "Pudgy's" or "Potbelly's" in their name. That's just bad marketing. I'm a little overweight. I don't need a reminder from my restaurant.
Is there anything more satisfying and life affirming than an old fashioned shoeshine from a black gentleman with comforting views on race relations?
I don't eat at "On The Border". Sounds too foreign to me.
Do not believe the government when they say they are there to help you. Unless they have a check. Then it's probably a good thing.
If I know anything about sex it is that I will always regret not taking Janine Carpenter on that Xerox machine in the office back in '81. I had that. Failed to act. That is weakness.
That Clive Owen is a handsome man any way you come at it.
There is no difference between the strength of a rose stem and the belief of a man who argues his heart. I don't think that, mind you. I don't even know what I mean by that, really. I just thought it sounded profound and might look good in the paper.
Until next week, Readers... They keep putting off my adenoids. KU football prospects and the real meaning of American health care. Suck it up, weaklings!
Reader Comments (2)
I'm with you on the spit shine, Dutch. And bonus points for whistling an old Louis Armstrong number from the '40s, a pocketful of 'sirs' and avoiding eye contact altogether. That'll get a flip of my quarter every time.
As for 'cut of your jib', I concur...a liitle worn. Try this instead, "I like the kraut on your weiner". Perfectly appropriate for the modern workplace I think.
Must steal "kraut on your wiener" for my next Lodge meeting. Gold, Brother, gold. Imagine getting the opportunity to bark that at Seal during his coitus with Ms. Klum.