Sport/Not A Sport (or "Boy, Do The Olympics Suck Now") Part 2

Anyway, we seem to have gotten far from the purpose of this fun, which was to determine just what is and isn’t a sport.

Firstly, the criteria must be set forth.

1) I claim that the use of some sort of ball, projectile or center piece of focus is mandatory to qualify an activity as a sport but, there are exceptions to that rule, like boxing, track, swimming or wrestling.

2) Teams or multiple individuals should be involved or there is reasonable consideration to qualify the sport as merely an “activity” or “recreation” born of leisure. Exceptions here would include tennis, most track and field events and, again, boxing, swimming or wrestling.

3) There should be a standardized set of rules, timing and/or a measured point system beyond the subjective nature of “judges”. Again, boxing gets dicey with this caveat although it remains one of man’s greatest sports. Once the technology is perfected for target sensitive gloves that tally “hits” this will cease to be a issue and crooked ring judges can be given the heave-ho.

4) Activities which are measured in short bursts of speed hold more weight than those of endurance, except a marathon. Running twenty-six miles in a little over two hours is quite impressive. Skiing that distance in any amount of time is just boring bullshit. As is stopping to fire a gun, fencing, cycling or swimming during the proceedings (See: pentathlon).

This is not to exclude the decathlon or “track and field” in general from the list, although I really am torn by the idea that something humans can do instinctively (i.e. “run”, “walk”, or “jump”) is considered a sport in and of itself when it is merely the building blocks for what all other sports must use to succeed within the goals of their given contest. Meaning: any idiot can run. But can you run while doing something else as well?

Take those same basic abilities for track events, add a new set of goals or priorities, and put Ray Lewis, Bobby Orr or Hakeem Olajuwon in front of you trying to prevent your efforts and you get a little idea as to what true athleticism entails. Especially if Ray Lewis has a knife.

Sport is not only about bursting forth with your strengths, uninhibited. It’s about strategy and dealing with your opponent’s intent. 

Would Carl Lewis have been all that swift if Jack Lambert (or Jack Tatum for that matter) was waiting for him ten yards from the tape? And would he have ever walked again if one of the Jacks had got a paw or helmet on him? Things to consider.

With that said, my silly attempt at objectivity is laughable on its face. I did not break out the lab coat and Petri dishes for this. It was more about consulting my trusty internal oracle with twelve beers and an indomitable spirit. I have preferences regarding sports just as much as I do towards what makes a woman beautiful. I’ll provide you with all the feel-good bullshit you need vis-à-vis an athlete’s struggles and the integrity of anyone who works for a dream of self-fulfillment, inner strength and excellence no matter what physical endeavor they participate in but, in the end, I always end up wanting to fuck the chick who looks like Pamela Anderson - just to let you know up front where my priorities lie.

I realize it’s a pornographic view, but what I consider to be real athletics is no different.

I know it when I see it.

So I’ve compiled a little list. A helpful guide for the novice to machete their way through what has become the unfortunate tangle of exactly what constitutes an actual sport. If I have excluded any event dear to your soul, I apologize. This is an extensive yet not exhaustive list. Exhausting, perhaps, for the reader, but not exhaustive in any scientific sense.

Air Sports – aerobatics, ballooning, hand-gliding, paragliding, parachuting, human powered aircraft, airplane racing, etc. – NOT A SPORT. Thrill seeking.

Archery – NOT A SPORT. When men in tights made it famous, the socialist aspect of taking from the rich gave it merit in a political sense and made it an admirable calling, but not enough to suggest it is a sport. More a perfection of weaponry use and to make westerns more interesting, really.

Auto Racing – Don’t get me started. I’ve been arguing with every toothless boor south of the Mason-Dixon-Line on this one for many years. Any dimwitted asshole can drive a fucking car. The retarded, mouth-breathing males of Dixie are living proof of that claim. When you’re sitting down, strapped in, chewing Skoal, and going hundreds of miles an hour, you’re not an athlete, Clem. You’re either headed to the Toby Keith show or have been abducted by aliens and are awaiting the probe. NOT A SPORT.

Basketball - SPORT. Arguably the best athletes in the world are the ones at the top of this game. It is hard to imagine many of the stars of the NBA being unable to play any other sport well given time to prepare. They have speed, strength, dexterity, nimbleness, grace and power. My argument has always been this: take the ten weakest athletes from the NBA and swap them with the ten weakest athletes from any other sport. The hoopsters have to play the other game against the professionals of that league and the other athletes have to play basketball in the NBA. The basketball players will always fare better than players from any other sport. And if you doubt me, just start thinking about the kind of shape that the worst ten athletes in the NFL or MLB are in. Then have them try to run with Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. Now take the ten worst players in the NBA and tell me if they couldn’t catch a fly ball or run a short slant route. It’s an interesting hypothetical and prone to small inconsistencies… but not very many.

Bat Sports – Baseball and Cricket. SPORT. Actually, the very ideal of a “team” sport where individual performance (batter against pitcher) is balanced with a rallying aspect of teamwork on offense and an absolute cohesive dependency on defense. The most intellectual and scientific of all popular sporting events, “Ball” is the thinking man’s athleticism. And who doesn’t love the statistical obsession as part of the game?!

Boules – Bowling or Bocce. NOT A SPORT. What old Italian men or blue collar d-bags do in between drinking and beating their wives and children is no business of mine. But it ain’t a sport. RULE: any activity done in a “muscle shirt” or a garment with a name tag is not a sport.

Boxing - Absolutely a SPORT. As Jack Handey so eloquently stated, "To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." Ah, the sweet science.

Climbing – Why are we even talking about this? NOT A SPORT. Scaling nature’s edifices is a form of tourism or camping. Let me put it this way, when your “sport” becomes an unwieldy mall attraction next to the food court and charges five-year-olds for a try, your “athleticism” is in question. When asked why he knocked out George Foreman in the “Rumble in the Jungle”, Muhammad Ali never cavalierly stated, “Because he was there.”

Cycling – I learned to ride a bike when I was six. By six-and-a-half I was pretty adept at it. NOT A SPORT. It is a mode of transportation inferior to the auto and better than walking. That is all. Good rule of thumb: if your “sports” accessory has been known to be adorned with tassels, baskets, pinwheels and air horns, it’s probably not a good idea to strut around the arena like you’re something special. 

Combat Sports – NOT A SPORT and not to be confused with boxing. A gentlemen’s pursuit. What these worthless tattooed animals do with their suffocations and strangleholds bores me to tears. All the schools - from brawlers to constrictors - end up in writhing, homoerotic weirdness in a steel octagon with one of the fighter‘s blood and taint sweat leaving a snail trail on the cheek of his opponent. I mean, shit, if we’re ideally going to go this far on the barbarism scale, can we not have an actual slaying at the end? A thumbs down/thumbs up verdict on the life of the vanquished? Bar brawls are more sporting. At least there’s cue sticks and glass and bar stools. Note to self: idea for pay-per-view event…

Billiards/Pool – As much as I love the game, NOT A SPORT. A gambling/leisure activity. There’s a reason one of the main heroes of the industry was called “Fats”.

NEXT: The Final Tally

Comments

[Lindsay]

Thank you for your ingenious words about Nascar. Definetely NOT a sport!

[federica]

Basketball may be a sport, but its the most boring pointless sport there is. Each game ends with a score like 100-99 and only got interesting in the last 5 seconds. No real skill needed just the ability to be 7 feet tall.

[C. Adolph Moores]

As opposed to soccer, where an entire tournament including 32 teams from around the globe and consisting of over 28 games can have a point total of 12. But I get it, the excitement and brilliance in the game stems from almost achieving end results (i.e. "goals") instead of actual success.
How very British.