Sport/Not A Sport (or "Boy, Do The Olympics Suck Now") Part 3
Friday, February 26, 2010 at 1:19PM 
Equestrian endeavors – Dressage, fox hunting, harness racing, vaulting, etc. – NOT A SPORT. What could be more obvious? An animal is involved. Competitions with either bribable judgment (dressage) or one of the most notoriously rigged games (horse racing) in betting history cannot be considered athletics. My Father was in it for a while; a moral man in a pit of vipers. He became disgusted at the treatment of the animals and disillusioned as to the future of the business. Even before that, he never regarded it as a sport. Horse riding is more of a way for young girls to experience sexual release (a large mammal between their thighs) and bust their hymens without losing their virginity. Practical? Yes. Erotic? Most definitely. But not a sport.
Fishing – Really? NOT A SPORT. Fuck you. Only redneck inbreds or coastal boat pimps find this even debatable. Put on the Jimmy Buffet and shut up. You’re alcoholics with a hobby.
Flying Disc Sports/Stoner games – Frisbee golf, Frisbee, Hacky Sack, etc. NOT A SPORT. This needs to be mentioned? Children. Toys. Phish parking lots. What’s next? A Yo-Yo Bowl?
Football – SPORT. Incorporates most every nuance of athleticism. Power, strength, finesse, speed, dexterity, endurance, intelligence, deductive reasoning and an ability to meld all those qualities into split second decisions and acrobatic acts of pure physicality. All while having very mean, 300 pound sadists chasing after you. We will also include rugby in this assessment as a sport, albeit a tad lamer.
Golf - Sorry, Haters. SPORT. Just because it has been predominantly a sport for fat, wealthy white men doesn’t mean there isn’t a massive amount of skill involved in mastering the game. An appreciation for just how goddamn difficult it is to be good at it is the main reason I have great respect for its successful practitioners. Besides, like me, it’s Scottish in origin. And that just can’t be bad.
Gymnastics – SPORT. As much as I hate to admit it - and as much as most of this sport consists of prepubescent girls banging their vaginas against things - and as much as this boring, judge-oriented, popularity contest of athleticism is everything I hate about the innate politics and cuteness of the Olympics, the men and women who participate in it are strong, vibrant athletes with remarkable degrees of physical skills. Except for “rhythmic gymnastics”. I will never be a party to that. Hoops and ribbons indeed. It’s not a magic act you know!!!!!
Hockey – SPORT. I find this the lamest of the “Big Four”. I mean, really, what snow-bound bunch of Nordic shut-ins decided that this padded-up, brutal, chilly version of soccer constitutes fun is beyond me. Admittedly, there is grace, speed, skill and strength involved and I would be remiss not to mention that all of the hand-eye coordination necessary to excel at the game requires one to be simultaneously skating on ice. There is, however, way too much gear, way too much preparation for the field of play and far too many expectations for those who would willingly come out in the cold to watch it go down. Get rid of the “offside“ and “icing” rules and this sport increases its viewability a hundred fold overnight. As it is, it’s a fetish for Caucasians who fancy themselves as athletes but could never perform admirably in the other “Three”. That is baseball, basketball and football. See “Lacrosse” or "soccer" for the warm weather alternative.
Hunting – Any douchebag who engages in this savage, macho horseshit in this day and age has a daddy complex, a psychopathic nature or is an unapologetic authoritarian hell bent on God’s belief that humans are the superior force on this planet and get to take a colossal dump on anything they see fit. Their small-cock egos demand this satisfaction. Put down the scoped rifle, Tough Guy, pick up a knife and a rock and go kill me a tiger. Then you’ve earned your manhood, Suzie. Until then you’re just another over-armed asshole with an inferiority complex and a bloodlust. NOT A SPORT.
Mixed Discipline – Only the decathlon is truly a SPORT. When you start getting into nonsense like skiing twenty miles, firing rifles, cycling and then swimming, it’s just too convoluted and silly to take seriously. Which leads me to…
Track & Field - SPORT. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. But being the fastest is pretty cool. Even if it’s only running, an activity that 99% of the planet is capable of performing, most often induced by fear or tardiness. There is strategy to it all though. The mile is one of the greatest events in sports. The field events are rather fascinating as well. Who can forget Bob Beamon’s Herculean leap in Mexico City in ‘68 (well, probably most of you come to think of it), an Olympic record that has stood for over forty years and one of the most astonishing sporting moments in my lifetime. And I was four when I saw it. Regardless, too many great historical moments in this sport not to include it as legitimate.
Paddlesports – Are right out. Canoeing, kayaking, regatta, etc. These are leisure activities. Rule may be – if done at a resort or by dandies at Ivy League schools (except tennis or golf) – NOT A SPORT.
Racquet Sports – Aha! The grand difference. Here it gets fuzzy. Tennis is a SPORT. Ping Pong is not. Racquetball and squash are not. Jai-Alai is a Latino gambling ruse to grift the gringos’ money. Badminton is not a sport. It is something played in backyards by drunken WASPs. All are NOT A SPORT except tennis. Because no one can do what Bjorn Borg, Pete Sampras or Roger Federer can do. Or the Williams’ sisters. Damn, I love those rippling, chocolate thighs. Gadunk-a-dunk
Sailing – NOT A SPORT. Is now yachting, Goldman Sach’s parties, hunting the homeless and the annual drinking of Mario Savio’s blood at the CPAC convention not enough to slake the hunger of Zardok, Poseidon’s Neo-con seafaring alter ego?
Skiing – I’m so torn on this one. I’ve witnessed the brilliance of Jean-Claude Killy and Franz Klammer downhill runs yet, when it’s over and done, do these Euro-trash scumbags deserve better women and champagne than I? After all, I provide a fun service, full of pith and insight. You can take what I do and quote it, joke about it, tell people you read it and laugh while enjoying yourself. Even better, with me, your conversation doesn‘t have to include arguments about the EU, who has the better table at Olden‘s in Gstaad or how many Swedish supermodels I‘ve banged. All they ever did was race very fast down a mountain in the snow. Who gives you more in the long run? NOT A SPORT. More a leisure activity.
Soccer - Regrettably, a SPORT. And by “regrettably” I mean, simply, that it has now turned nearly two entire generations of American boys into the most precious of sissies and fawning momma’s boys this side of Truman Capote and Andy Warhol. I’m not exactly the Vince Lombardi/Great Santini sort of authoritarian myself but, if my son (fortunately fabricated) started showing interest in soccer at an early age, I would rig up an immediate testosterone drip for him whilst he slept. Because, quite frankly, if soccer does ever gain a real foothold in the mainstream American sports psyche (instead of being an after school activity for kids that hot suburban moms use for socializing), the terrorists have simply won. There, I said it. It’s one of the few things Europeans do that I don’t feel we should emulate. And viewing it is more boring than watching paint dry. Somebody, anybody, please fucking score!
Swimming - Eh. I’ll stick with my track argument and view these events as similar to those, only in water. So, in that case… SPORT. But short events accentuating speed are much more legit than endurance tests. Again, most any asswipe can swim, so you better be fast, motherfucker, or I am not impressed.
Volleyball - Anything big, tall girls are good at doing is okay by me. SPORT.
Weightlifting - No, sorry. NOT A SPORT. Too many preening knobs from the gym culture have ruined this for me. If those assholes do it often and well, it can’t be a sport. Let’s call it a steroid parlor game.
Well, shit, that about wraps it up for me. My work here appears finished. I hope this was insightful for you. As I know most of you will obviously agree with the acute observations and cogent arguments proffered above there is little more to say than go forth and enjoy all of your activities - be they for sport, leisure, exercise or gambling - as long as they do not harm others. For it is in good spirit only that man should compete. Or for a nice piece of tail.
Reader Comments (5)
Bollocks, soccer, football to those whose first language is English, is the worlds best sport. Full of skill, action, theatrics and drama. You can even decide what to do yourself and not have a guy on the sideline tell you whether to pass or run. You're only bitter because you're all crap at it.
where's rugby, you know that game like football but without all the pansy pads and hats
Oh federica,
What know you of my soccer prowess? I was actually very good at it (particularly goal tending) but decided I would pursue a game more appropriate to my gender - football.
And rugby is mentioned as a sport in the last sentence of the "football" paragraph.
You're not part of the "commonwealth" by any chance, are you? Your misguided, dainty protestations would suggest so. As well as using "Bollocks" for an opener, hee hee.
I am the commonwealth, it is you who are part of it or want to be . Sorry I missed the rugby bit but you do go on a bit in a funny way of course. I'm a big fan of your Alabama/christian bashing.
As for you prowess at goalkeeping, what the heck is goal tending, are you looking after it, bringing it tea, patting it on the head? I'm sure you thought you were good. Your gender must be questionable though since the football but would make it seem like your male but the NY Jets thing has me confused
Alright,
Make up your mind on an internet identity, federica/booda. Otherwise, this could get confusing.
And you are right. I do want to become part of the commonwealth. Preferably in Canada, but Australia or Ol' Blighty would suffice. I fear the American Empire is soon for ruin. Could you help me with citizenship in my ex--patriot attempts. Perhaps a good word to the Queen or some other English television personality?
And isn't it goal "tending" for soccer? It is for hockey. Or is this another "King's English/first language" issue between us?
Anyway, laugh at the Jets all you will. While I'm watching them in the playoffs for the next several years I won't mention anything about the 49ers' status to you.
Ba-Zing!!!!!