I'd like to thank every one of you here in the audience and those in the American military forces stationed everywhere, all over this globe, watching the broadcast on the NBC television feed or listening to it over the wireless for your continued service and dedication to the cause of democracy and freedom around the world. We owe you the utmost gratitude for your efforts.
I'd love to say I'll stick around here in Kabul, but the sand traps are too darn big for my golf game.
These terrorists are something, huh? They believe 72 virgins, wine and fruit await them in heaven. I think they're getting eternal paradise mixed up with Hugh Hefner's apartment on a Saturday night.
Say, how about these kids and their hip-hop music? I haven't seen anybody move like that since my USO show in Vietnam when Vic Damone hid a tarantula in Joey Heatherton's sock drawer.
I was at the Grammy's when Lady Gaga came out of that egg. I haven't eaten chicken since. Somebody needs to warn Colonel Sanders that one of his experiments escaped.
I was talking to former President George W. Bush the other day. His low profile since leaving office has nothing to do with embarrassment. He's working on his library. After two years, they've apparently procured a Bible, a copy of The Pet Goat, and a homeless guy who uses the bathroom to wash. (Audible boos)
Fuel prices sure have risen lately. The last time I bought gas this expensive was the garlic truffles at The Brown Derby.
The news is that al Qaeda has come up with a new kind of IED. They strap Kirstie Alley down on the roadside and tell her Taco Bell just went out of business.
The Governor of Wisconsin recently took away collective bargaining rights for state employees and there was a lot of backlash. Not much changed, though. During the protests, union members still sat around doing nothing and complained about work.
Celebrities are getting younger and younger these days, aren't they? I just met Justin Bieber backstage and was asked to burp him and jangle my car keys while his mother went to the ladies room.
Boy, this internet has really taken off! Used to be if you wanted to take a look at a beautiful naked lady you had to drill a hole in the wall of Jill St. John's dressing room.
I've shot golf with 11 U.S. Presidents and I'm sorry to say that I won't get a chance to play a round with President Obama. The ladies down at the club would be too frightened and I'd keep confusing him for my caddy.
The Generals tell me we're moving on Muammar Gaddafi in Libya now. I haven't seen an Arab this nervous since Omar Sharif was seated at Golda Meir's bridge table.
I took a stroll in downtown Baghdad the other day. It was so hot the pickpockets were asking people to step into the shade with them.
General Stanley McChrystal just had a talk with that Rolling Stone reporter that got him fired. He told him if he was ever to lose his job again over a scandal from someone "embedded", he'd prefer it to be Lola Falana.
A lot of debate about Obama's birth certificate. I hope they don't ask for mine. Stone tablets can be so heavy.
I'm not saying that the ethnic makeup has changed in this country over the last 40 years, but Hollywood has released a financial report that studio bronzing expenses are down 89% . And not simply because Cary Grant is dead.
They asked me to host the Oscars again after the James Franco/Anne Hathaway debacle, but I declined. I told them humor and farce doesn't always have to be deliberate.
And now... you all know her and love her... Juliet Prowse!