Jesus Christ Says "Enough!" to Tim Tebow's Prayers
Monday, December 7, 2009 at 1:14PM Jesus Christ Says "Enough!" to Tim Tebow's Prayers
Citing priorities elsewhere, from poverty to hunger to the sufferings of the war-torn, Jesus Christ today demanded that University of Florida football star Tim Tebow stop his prayers to influence the outcomes of Gator games and his own performance on the field.
The Lord finally refused Tebow's incessant pleas for success after realizing he had already granted the young man a Heisman trophy and two national championships.
"This guy is fucking relentless", said a taxed Savior from his room at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas. "He's asked for victories, guidance, health, prominence, a way out of his homosexual tendencies... it's just endless with this asshole."
"Enough is enough", the Nazarene added, "There comes a point, no matter how pious you are, when you simply start coming off like a selfish douchebag."
In the SEC Championship Game, Tebow looked uncharacteristically confused, throwing a key interception and being ineffective in the red zone.
At the end of the 32-13 blowout at the hands of a superior Alabama Crimson Tide team, he fell to his knees and wept like a child over the loss and the rebuke from his Divine Lord and Master. The eye black on which he wrote "John 3:16" streamed down his cheeks like so much greasy ash.
"These kids are really misguided", scolded the Son of God, "They think by thanking me and putting their trust in me every game they're going to get the most positive results. Truth be told, I could give a shit who wins. I'm a man who plays the spread. Go out and earn me some goddamn money and then we'll talk about divine forces and the hand of God in a meaningless little football game."
"I guess what really disturbs me is his insistence on playing at the next level," the Carpenter complained, "I'm known as a miracle worker but, seriously, have you seen this guy's throwing motion? Defenders should be chasing him with pitchforks and torches, not nickel packages."
Reader Comments (5)
After personally attending and watching every painful second of this beatdown, God forgive me, I actually laughed at this post. Go Gators!
Dear C. Adolph,
Scaldingly hilarious! This is your greatest flash of inspiration since "The Mermaid Chair" musical.
Or maybe Craven Moorecock. It's a draw...
Pots of Love,
Lancie
I love it. Under reported is the fact that the Stealth Jesuit, Urban "call me Townie" Meyer checked into a hospital hours after Jesus shunned him, for "dehydration". It was either suicidal tendencies or he cried more than Teabag.
Nothing like a little blasphemy and hatred of the Gators to bring this community together.
Thanks Fellas.
As a lifelong diehard Gator fan, I am trying very hard to be angry about this posting. But when you're right, you're right! Well said, Master Adolf!