Obama Walks on Water, Saves Orphans and Kittens from Fire

Obama Walks Across River, Saves Orphans & Kittens From Fire; Skeptics Wary of Intentions

Fresh off the heels of his nefariously cloaked message to America's schoolchildren, President Barack Obama has raised more watchful eyebrows from his critics with a seemingly heroic dash across New York's East River to save twenty-seven children and four kittens from a burning Brooklyn orphanage and certain, fiery death.

"Just what did the President think he was trying to accomplish with this tawdry stunt?", wailed conservative blowhole Rush Limbaugh, "You'd think the leader of the free world would have more pressing issues than a small urban fire in that bastion of socialism. It's also proof positive that he is unable to swim."

After facing withering criticism from the right over his education speech to youngsters, an alleged agenda to indoctrinate the children of the United States into Marxist ideology and the teachings of Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot, Lenin, Castro, Ho Chi Minh and Che Guevara, the administration via White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs was quick to backtrack and weakly defend Obama's actions.

"Obviously", Gibbs asserted, "The President could not just sit around and let children and small cuddly animals die in a fire when he could have prevented such an event from occurring with his Christ-like ability to walk on water. He single-handedly diffused the situation before it escalated into an inferno of death. And for that he apologizes to his fellow Americans across the ideological spectrum. He wants everyone on board with his decision to act."

Republicans were quick to cast doubt over Obama's intentions. A fair and balanced mainstream media was eager to offer equal time to both sides of the story.

"I have been disturbed by his brilliant rhetorical skills before", wrote miserable cripple Charles Krauthammer, "But emulating the Christian Son of God with an aquatic ruse and saving the ridiculously innocent from a painful demise is an unforgivable political ploy of the utmost cynicism."

NYFD personnel were awed by the President's ability to maintain his cool under trying and death-defying circumstances. He level-headedly removed the endangered, two-by-two, with a double fireman's carry. When it came time to call the blaze unmanageable, Obama went back in and brought out the four kittens.

"Were there any dogs in there who could have been saved", wondered a blubbering, effeminate Glenn Beck. "I find it interesting that only cats came out alive. Americans are a dog loving people who honor fealty, duty and ignorance. This sounds fishy to me. What happened to the dogs, Mr. Obama?!"

The internet was immediately flooded with comments and questions regarding the fate of the alleged canines.

FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS all chased the story.

Like the "Birthers", "Deathers" "Teabaggers" and "Truthers" before them, the "Doggers" are demanding answers about the clandestine operations of their government.

"This is not over!", screamed an unhinged, gun-toting rally attendee named 'Carl', "We are going to demand a full investigation into this and find out just how many dogs Obama refused to save from that fire. I mean, what kind of man destroys this country and then lets dogs burn mercilessly?"

Upon hearing the news, Dick and Liz Cheney called for the open and malicious torture of the orphans to get at the truth.

"These little monsters know something they're not telling us", argued the former Vice-President, "And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let this current administration endanger the American people and their faithful canine companions with a lot of lofty talk about kittens and civil rights. These dog killers are out to destroy our way of life."

His daughter, fearful of her father being executed for war crimes in any decent, upstanding court in the world, was quick to agree and will appear on This week with George Stephanopoulos on Sunday where she will peddle fear and he will smile and not ask her the tough questions.

Never ones to keep their fool mouths shut, Conservative Christian leaders chimed in as well.

"It is blasphemous, and quite frankly galling to me", said pastor/emotional exploiter/life-savings drainer James Dobson, "that our laic President would deign to emulate the supernatural powers of our Divine Lord and Savior. Seriously, walking on water? That's a cheap carny trick even to us. A few rocks, a well-placed plate of glass in shallow water, some gullible buffoons from the South with cash? We've been running that grift for ages. But the President of the United States? C'mon. It's tasteless."

"I just want to hear with my own ears and see with my own eyes, the President come out and say this rescue was real", questioned the analytically lazy Bill O'Reilly. "When he sits down with me on this show, in front of God and man and fifteen million people over the age of eighty-six and says 'Bill, I did it', I will believe him and tell the American people it is true. In the mean time, if you visit The Factor gift shop; your great, great grandchildren will love a copy of my ..."

Fellow Democrats were slow to come to the President's defense.

"I would like to make a decision but I'm not quite sure how this is going to play out", said Senator Harry Reid meekly, "I'm concerned with a few more things than some burning puppies, the President's popularity rating, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the American people or the proper running of the Senate. I have some interests to appease. Let's all just calm down and focus. Joe Lieberman will know what to do."

Forgotten in all of this political name-calling and gain-saying are the children and kittens themselves. They are grateful to President Obama for saving their lives and wonder why it is that good deeds and thoughts seem so alien to those whom we elect to protect and serve us.

Newt Gingrich, sensing an emotional win for the left, contradicted the children, "This sort of behavior is abominable. I'm calling for the impeachment of President Barack Obama. In order to place a new leader in a position to restore America to its once proud status. A return to the morality, values, peace, economic prosperity and international goodwill we enjoyed as a nation up until January 20th of this very year."