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Tuesday
Mar152011

Apathetic Godzilla Disregards Latest Japanese Earthquake

Fresh off the recent natural and nuclear disasters that have befallen Japan, a despondent Godzilla, the giant radioactive prehistoric creature that once devastated this island nation in a retributive firestorm of wrath, says he is not motivated enough by the events to bother with a second act of vengeance.

"It's just that, frankly, it's been done before", the behemoth sighed, "I don't see the point."

Godzilla, plagued by the aftermath of a nasty second divorce and a slight drinking problem, admitted while speaking to reporters in his undersea lair some 50,000 feet below the Pacific Ocean's surface that he doesn't have the energy or heart for the further destruction of Nippon.

"We all have our problems to contend with, obviously", conceded the humongous reptilian mutation, "My inevitable unearthing and subsequent rampage at a time when the Japanese people are at their most vulnerable would not, at this point, be construed as a warning to humanity about trifling with the unforeseen forces of nature. I'd just come off looking like an asshole. I'm not willing to pile on like that. What can I say? I've lost some of my edge. Two lying, manipulative wives and a few more years around the bend will do that to even the most feared leviathan."

The eerie repetition of the conditions that led to the beast's first unleashing brought about much trepidation on the island.

Tak Fujiyura, a fisherman in his eighties, remembers the hellstorm well.

"My initial thought during the quake was, 'oh shit!', is that fire-breathing monster about to come stomping over the landscape once again? Then, when I heard about the nuclear plants melting down, well, 'fuck it', I said, we are doomed. Raymond Burr has been dead a long time. And I don't think that Mathew Broderick fellow is up to the task."

Despite the rampant fears, particularly among the older Tokyo citizens who recall the dinosaur's havoc, a calm has now descended over Edo as news of Godzilla's ennui has become evident.

"I feel for the big guy, I really do", claimed Sanshiro Nayama, a building magnate from Honshu, "I went through some marital strife myself a few years back. It's a sad and lonely place to be. And imported American whiskey seems to be your only friend. Ah, he'll be back on his feet in no time, screaming at a 1000 decibels and raining hellfire on improperly constructed wood huts and skyscrapers. Don't worry about that ol' mammoth S.O.B."

Godzilla shared even more, with large, unblinking, tear-filled eyes.

"Let this be a lesson to any would-be mega-destroyers out there, all too eager to show humankind its self-destructive folly on a whim", the spiky-tailed chimera admonished, "Sometimes you really have to sit back, take stock in your own life, and ask if the fun of rampant killing and wholesale annihilation is all worth it in the end. For me, it has essentially ruined my life. And subverted my friendship with King Kong and Mothra, among others. I used to be Godzilla for chrissakes. Look at me! Jesus, I could use a Dewar's and a Marlboro right about now." 

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