Seattle

"It's funny", stated the beaming Larch, "I had been experimenting for years with a wide variety of fetishes, from spanking to ball gags to anal saugglockes to soiled diapers to withering verbal assaults prerecorded for me by my secretary at work, but this new intrusion into the bowels of my computer itself is certainly the hottest, most libido-stimulating transgression I have ever encountered."

Masochism often uses abasement and submission as its driving sexual force, but the otherwise seasoned Larch admitted he was not prepared for this shocking level of emotional discomfort.

"It instantaneously entered the very core of my machine", the sniveling weasel added, "Just knowing it was infiltrating me byte by byte and causing unknown damage to my personal registry and files was enough to ... well ... it simply set me on fire."

At first, the cringing milksop's reaction to the continual pop-up windows and warnings caused by the pesky virus sent him lunging for his anti-spyware program. But the dire, flashing messages covering his entire desktop began to take on an unexpected allure for the thirty-two-year-old virgin.

"They were simultaneously so vicious, so admonishing, so scolding and so, so relentless that I became awash in a hitherto unknown state of rigidity and ecstasy. The nagging Vista security alerts matched with my own sense of humiliation and sexual worthlessness erupted in an orgy of pleasure likely unseen since Lord Byron resided at the Villa Diodati. When I think of that viral worm meandering throughout the innermost regions of my private matters and then relentlessly and piteously mocking me for my failings as a man and a web user, I, for the first time in my life, started believing in a little thing called love."

Larch has not left his home for three weeks, since the incident first occurred.

The webmasters at Lydia's Dungeon Ranch & Bistro, the source of the virus, could not be reached for comment.             

"Our vigilance must never acquiesce to comfort or a false sense of security", admonished Lt. General Harlin Waters, "We still have a lot of really, really expensive and secretive work to do."

When asked who or what would be the military's new focus, Waters cleared his throat, stared sternly at the camera and added, "Um, not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that. Most of our policy makers are at the Imperial Fortress, er, the Embassy Compound in Baghdad."

In a briefing room inside the Pentagon, a gathering of five star generals volleyed about options, intent on finding the next danger posed to the nation. This reporter was allowed in for the first few minutes of the discussion. Notes follow:

"Gentlemen, we're just not getting the fear numbers with Gaddafi we had hoped for", mentions General Orlaf 'Bas Relief' Tate, "He's an absolute non-starter with our 14 to 36-year-old male demographic. And our women are showing signs of sympathy toward him. Probably due to the fact that we keep blowing his pre-teen grandchildren into clouds of pink dust right in their own living rooms."

"What about Kim Jong-il?", pipes in Brigadier General Pap "Pappy" Anderson. "Surely that sniveling little twerp could get the people's bloodlust up?"

"Well, that's exactly the problem, Pappy", Tate responds. "The guy's just too physically diminutive and silly looking to take seriously. We're not ruling out an Asian entirely. Some of the party leaders in China are rather formidable just because of the swarming masses of yellow menace they command."

"It can't be an Asian", yells General Clayton Z. Andrews from across the table, "That sort of grinning, buck-toothed, slant-eyed caricature went out with Tojo. Most conservatives in this country don't even dislike slopes anymore. They find them hard-working, amenable and smart. And they like their buffets. Speaking of which, anybody try the crabs yet at Mr. Tzu's over there on 3rd? Delicious. All you can eat on Thursday. I take the Missus down for... well, never mind. We need a brown, sweaty guy who's not an African. Hell, nobody takes them seriously. It's got to be an Arab or Eastern European. Preferably a guy with a jutting brow who's constantly seen in a track suit posing with an AK47. You know the drill."

"Ahmadinejad?"

"Not that swarthy popinjay for chrissakes! Iran is already on the radar. We'll cross that bridge in 2014 when we have the boots for the ground."

A low voice from the corner interrupts, "What if we simply made someone up?"

All the Generals' heads turn to the questioner.

"Speak your mind, Son", encourages Anderson.

A young man in an expensive suit rises and addresses the Top Brass, "I'm no military strategist, Sirs. I have not even served in the armed forces. I'm here from Haliburton representing Mr. Cheney's interests. My name is Clive Slorn"

The Generals all nod and murmur in approval.

"Pardon me if I'm getting above myself but, why couldn't we just create a monster? The American people are already suffused with fear and hatred of foreigners. The problem is that none of the current leaders of the world have the demonstrable evil of past tyrants. They certainly lack the will or menace to pose any credible threat to Edna and Ralph Nobody from Nowheresville, U.S.A. We already shot that load with Saddam, regardless. We need a new guy from a new country. But, also, we need to add a metaphysical dimension to his powers. One who is not merely a despot, but a cult-like leader of a nation of zealots engorged with the will of Beelzebub himself. A country of devil worshipers with... with nuclear capability.

"I like it, please continue", says General Waters.

"Well, the imagery needs to be done right. I can consult some of my marketing people. But I was thinking something like a horned, fanged guy with the body of a lion, the hands of a gorilla and the dorsal fin of a shark. Military garb, of course- epaulets, medals, jack boots, the whole bit. We'd give his country an appropriate name. One that arose from the ashes of a decades long revolution, so bloody that the normal political nomenclature like communism, socialism or fascism does not even apply. Let that be assumed or wondered about. Locate it in North or Central Africa or near Serbia. The choice is yours. Just make sure it's remote, unsettled and geographically obscure enough so as not to bring up questions. Call it 'Satanistan'"

"Wait a minute", interjects General Randall "Tankshaft" Higgenloop, "While I think the symbolism of such a creature is sound and the menacing potential of the figure to be fear-inducing is legitimate, you're suggesting that the American citizenry is so apathetic and disengaged that another war waged by their government in their name could be pulled off on some fictional country without any of them consulting an Atlas or the internet to find out that there is no place called 'Satanistan'?"

The room falls silent.

Bursts of laughter then echo off the walls.

"Looks like we have a winner!", cries Higgenloop.

Slorn smiles and adds, "Good. Good. I'll get the ball rolling on this. We need to contact Murdoch and tell him to get his people on this immediately. I just have one question, Sirs."

The Generals apprehensively focus.

"Who is this guy in the corner with the laptop?"

The Generals are all now staring at me.

"Ahem. I'm Timmy DeWinter, the Capitol reporter for cadolphmoores.com. General Waters said I could sit in on this. I've been Twittering the meeting. Hope that's okay."

Contributions to the "Free Timmy DeWinter Defense Fund" can be made through the "donate" link on the top left of this site. 



The room fell silent, however, when the professor placed the needle on a 1980 Steve Winwood LP entitled Arc of a Diver.

"Who the hell is this?", student Brad Turnball asked sourly.

Dawson paused for a moment, listened to a few more seconds of While You See a Chance, and replied, "You know, I'm not quite sure. It sounds vaguely familiar, but I just can't place the artist in any relevant time frame. My husband must have mistakenly mixed this in with the stack of albums I selected. It's pretty fucking awful, isn't it?"

A phone call to Mr. Winwood at his home in Gloucestershire, England shed light on the mystery.

"Music nerds keep referring to me as some sort of icon", Winwood confessed, "But I just don't see it. I seem to remember being in a few bands in the '60s and '70s that garnered some attention. I have a memory of watching Eric Clapton and Dave Mason smoke cigarettes, but for the life of me, it's all rather murky after that. I certainly do not recall doing anything of note. I've just sort of hashed together some very uninspired "white man" soul pieces and pop dreck over the years, the names of which elude me now."

While books on the history of rock and roll continually cite Winwood as a dynamic musician and singer- with stints in influential bands like the Spencer Davis Group, Blind Faith and Traffic- as well as an award-winning solo artist, the performer insists he's done very little to merit these accolades.

"Truthfully, I was very high for most of my early career so, that's all a bit foggy anyway. And when I went solo I simply started writing ditties for weddings and bah mitzvahs and the like, you know, just to earn a living. Apparently they caught on because I still have these two Grammy Awards sitting up on the mantle. I told the cleaning lady to toss them in the rubbish, but she insists they mean something and keeps on burnishing them. I don't argue with her since she works quite cheaply. Now, if you don't mind, there's an episode of EastEnders coming on the telly that I need to catch."

A survey conducted in the U.S. by Rasmussen Reports revealed that the majority (75%) of the 2500 respondents had no idea as to who Steve Winwood was when posed with the question - "Any idea who Steve Winwood is?". Fifteen percent of those polled thought he was the second 'Darrin' on TV's Bewitched, seven percent believed him to be a rare species of Chilean fruit bat, and three percent were pretty sure he owed them money.

One interviewee did have a fuzzy reminiscence of a song named Higher Love making a splash in the mid-80s, but was certain that it was a hit for Aldo Nova, not Winwood

"It's just that, frankly, it's been done before", the behemoth sighed, "I don't see the point."

Godzilla, plagued by the aftermath of a nasty second divorce and a slight drinking problem, admitted while speaking to reporters in his undersea lair some 50,000 feet below the Pacific Ocean's surface that he doesn't have the energy or heart for the further destruction of Nippon.

"We all have our problems to contend with, obviously", conceded the humongous reptilian mutation, "My inevitable unearthing and subsequent rampage at a time when the Japanese people are at their most vulnerable would not, at this point, be construed as a warning to humanity about trifling with the unforeseen forces of nature. I'd just come off looking like an asshole. I'm not willing to pile on like that. What can I say? I've lost some of my edge. Two lying, manipulative wives and a few more years around the bend will do that to even the most feared leviathan."

The eerie repetition of the conditions that led to the beast's first unleashing brought about much trepidation on the island.

Tak Fujiyura, a fisherman in his eighties, remembers the hellstorm well.

"My initial thought during the quake was, 'oh shit!', is that fire-breathing monster about to come stomping over the landscape once again? Then, when I heard about the nuclear plants melting down, well, 'fuck it', I said, we are doomed. Raymond Burr has been dead a long time. And I don't think that Mathew Broderick fellow is up to the task."

Despite the rampant fears, particularly among the older Tokyo citizens who recall the dinosaur's havoc, a calm has now descended over Edo as news of Godzilla's ennui has become evident.

"I feel for the big guy, I really do", claimed Sanshiro Nayama, a building magnate from Honshu, "I went through some marital strife myself a few years back. It's a sad and lonely place to be. And imported American whiskey seems to be your only friend. Ah, he'll be back on his feet in no time, screaming at a 1000 decibels and raining hellfire on improperly constructed wood huts and skyscrapers. Don't worry about that ol' mammoth S.O.B."

Godzilla shared even more, with large, unblinking, tear-filled eyes.

"Let this be a lesson to any would-be mega-destroyers out there, all too eager to show humankind its self-destructive folly on a whim", the spiky-tailed chimera admonished, "Sometimes you really have to sit back, take stock in your own life, and ask if the fun of rampant killing and wholesale annihilation is all worth it in the end. For me, it has essentially ruined my life. And subverted my friendship with King Kong and Mothra, among others. I used to be Godzilla for chrissakes. Look at me! Jesus, I could use a Dewar's and a Marlboro right about now." 

Tiring of their recurring struggle to censor and amend textbooks for students, the State Board of Education (SBOE) of Texas today finally banned books from the public school system altogether.

"This is a victory for the parents and school children of Texas", beamed conservative board member Hank Tanner from under his Stetson. "We've not only saved our citizens from the invasive teachings of the Muslim and liberal hordes, but saved taxpayer money on top of it."

The SBOE had recently passed a referendum to textbook editors warning of a possible boycott if the publishers continued with their pro-Islamic, anti-Christian bias. Texas and California are the largest purchasers of school texts in the United States and can have great sway on content for other public education systems who purchase the books as well.

"We've taken the middleman fully out of the equation", Tanner smugly said.

When asked what sources the students and teachers would now use for the curriculum, Tanner spoke bluntly, "Hell, I don't know. They can learn everything like I did. At the foot of my Granddaddy and from the colored lady who came in to clean the house every other Thursday when Momma took to her bed and pills."

The SBOE had come under scrutiny earlier this year by voting in changes to the existing texts. Thomas Jefferson was excised from the history books due to his belief in the separation of church and state. Sociology lessons would now stress "personal responsibility" as the board found that, too often, the science blamed society at large for individual's failures. The word "capitalism" was to be replaced with "the free enterprise system" as the former was seen as being bogged down with negative connotations. The witch hunts of Senator Joseph McCarthy would include a reference to the Venona Papers, which found there to be actual communists within the U.S. Government. And the social message of Dr. Martin Luther King would only be referenced through the juxtaposition of some of the more violent revolutionary invective made by the Black Panther Party.

"These Jihadis and liberal educators are trying to take over the country from within", insisted Brenda Truerot of Beaumont, "I mean, did you know they can hold political office? Muslims?! In our government?! And now they're writing our school books - poisoning our children's minds, showing them an alien way of life, hating our freedoms, preaching intolerance, and embarking on world conquest! Thank God we have the most powerful military in the world and are over there spreading our democracy block by block. When President Jesus wrote the Declaration of Independence shortly after he purchased North America from Geronimo, he would never have envisioned allowing Islamism in this country, let alone teaching them how to write."

Congressman Brett Brangus was equally adamant in his approval of the ban.

"We'd been bouncing around this idea for a while now. It got to the point where we objected to so many things we didn't see any point in getting ground down issue by issue. These damn liberal professors and media elites would fill our kids' heads with all sorts of nonsense. My Daddy didn't defeat the French in Korea so we could be taught about some progressive named Lincoln freeing some slaves. Everybody knows the Africans lent us their children to work in exchange for food and shelter. They had it better over here than over there I can tell you."

"I couldn't agree more", chimed Bob Patterson, a real estate broker from Odessa. "Ever since General Grant surrendered at Gettysburg, the liberal media has tried to make the American south out to be the bad guy. Did you know that women got the right to vote because Teddy Roosevelt lost a game of "Crazy Eights" to Woodrow Wilson? That was before he set up the United Nations with the Tsar of Russia and Hitler, which led to the Crimean War and outbreaks of syphilis amongst the promiscuous Jew. It nearly wiped them out entirely. But you're not gonna learn that in any of these so called 'history texts', no sir."

"I blame science", said Louisa Dormando, an overly concerned, hysterical mother of two from El Paso, "They just tell our kids anything and claim it's common knowledge because 'science' said so. Science has caused nothing but problems. Abortions are because of 'science'. Nowadays they even think they can explain the weather. If God wanted us to know things like why it rains every Saturday the day after you wash your car, he would have darn well told us that in the Bible. I don't have to hear it from some pagan meteor man on the TV with a highfalutin college degree."

"We simply wanted to send a message to the liberal academics out there", SBOE President Stuart Livingstone added, "We no longer accept your brainwashing techniques endangering our children's minds. First off, you will be receiving no more money from the great state of Texas for your revisionist history and propaganda. And thirdly, if you're not from around here, you'd best watch your ass and head back to where you came from."

The recent excavation of the remains of two hominids in Malapa, South Africa outside Johannesburg has caused a wave of excitement amongst paleontologists and evolutionists worldwide. The two specimens, believed to be nearly two-million-years-old, have been named Australopithecus sediba - creatures on the ancestral precipice of the modern species of Homo.

The identification has proven troublesome for others however. Namely, religious factions who claim a divine presence in the birth of man.

Zell Schworm, curator of the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, has posited a theory on the findings.

"They're quite obviously the remnants of union leader Jimmy Hoffa", the troubled docent insisted, "And the smaller bones next to him must have been those of his friend and driver. If you recall, Danny DeVito played his pal in the movie. Which would explain the diminutive skeleton lying beside him."

When asked how the 97-year-old remains of a Teamster organizer and his partner ended up 8,000 miles away in a cave on the continent of African amidst the bones of a sabre-toothed tiger, Schworm offered, "Stranger things have happened."

"For instance", he added, "Here at the Creation Museum we have all sorts of curious artifacts which prove the earth is less than 6,000 years old. We recently obtained the original cocktail napkin on which Jesus Christ scribbled the lyrics to Yankee Doodle Dandy and The Pledge of Allegiance."

"We've also got an audio recording of Abe Lincoln apologizing for being late to the Gettysburg Address due to his coach being rammed by a triceratops near Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Furthermore, skin grafts retrieved from the corpse of Franklin Delano Roosevelt suggest he was badly burned by the lava at Pompeii. And to prove that all creation comes from God's blessed hand, we have the original parchment of Noah's inventory list where, in highlighted yellow marker, he deliberately prevented unicorns from boarding the ark. Ergo, secularists, the simple truth as to why there are no unicorns around today and why the Bible is the last infallible word of the historical record."

Never one to miss an opportunity to embarrass himself publicly, former Arkansas Governor and anachronism Mike Huckabee chimed in on his Fox TeeVee program. "Who else could it be but Hoffa?! I'm going to love hearing these so called Evolution 'scientists' explain this one away. The man was a union leader. A person who thought worker's rights trumped the profit interests of a company. That kind of thinking is certainly prehistoric in my book."

Huckabee then froze into a stance of rigid sincerity, gazed directly into the camera and solemnly spoke, "Next up - an American soldier's family, repulsed by creeping socialism, refuses food stamps and government health care despite malnutrition, gout and impending psychosis. Their courageous struggle and how you can help, right after this message from the good people at Rascal Scooters."

Vatican spokesman Cardinal Giuseppe DaNardi called the three day quiet an "unexpected and truly shocking" turn of events. So flummoxed and incredulous was DaNardi by the lack of degeneracy within the Papal realm that he finally burst out laughing in front of reporters and chastised them for "pulling his leg".

"You guys, I tell you", DaNardi chuckled, wagging his finger, "Sometimes, you are just the most. You'll have me believing all sorts of nonsense if I'm not careful. Don't you guys have a Mormon kidnapping or polygamous sex-slave ring to cover?"

Others Papists were equally stunned by the recent, albeit temporary, dearth of debauchery.

"Really?!", queried Monsignor Dash Liberato, "Nothing at all?! No financial improprieties? No threatening the peasants with excommunication if they don't pay up? No hush money to American media outlets for their silence? No diversionary stories of child abductions to allay focus from our predation of youth? No huge out of court settlements for calamitous health care screw-ups in our many hospitals? No pregnant nuns being disappeared or getting secretive abortions? No lawsuits for ill-conceived reproductive advice in our government sponsored, faith-based counseling centers? No relocations for our numerous pedophiles to continually skirt the law? No drunken brawls over the similarity of someone's mother to the Virgin Mary? No father beating his daughter within an inch of her life for being seen with a colored guy in the neighborhood? No secular or non-Catholic applicants suing for unfair hiring practices or mistreatment in the workplace? No burnings of heretics in our controlled third world hellholes? No gay prostitution rings running out of the Pope's summer home? No Priests found with their hands down a little boy's pants? No..."

He was stopped there by three large gentlemen in suits who swiftly whisked the Monsignor away to an awaiting limousine.

"I'm still quite surprised", he shouted as they pushed him by his head into the vehicle.

But just as mysteriously as the quiet had come, reports began surfacing about a cannibal priest at a Gambian mission who has been boiling alive his converted flock of natives and using their flesh as a blood sacrifice to Jesus, whom he claims has an insatiable hunger for dark meat and possesses a sexy, sinewy, swimmer's body with which he would really like to transubstantiate.  

The Church itself has made no comment on these allegations or the lack of wantonness and lascivious behavior from their employees in the last few days.

His Holiness, The Pope, could not be reached as he was attending a Nazi memorabilia convention in Salzburg.        

Industry wide panic hit the makers of sleep assistance medications - Nytol, Sominex, Sleepinal, Unisom, Nighttime and Lunesta - as news of French New Wave director Eric Rohmer's death threatens to temporarily devastate sales and collapse the market.

"This is horrible news for us", claimed Clyde Landry, PR director for the Melatonin Council, "Rohmer's films are the natural competition to our product lines. So far, his self-indulgent visions have only been nodding off small audiences of pretentious drips. Now, with the publicity surrounding his death, there is sure to be an upswing in screenings of his movies. We can only hope their true somnolent power is not harnessed by the uncultured masses."

Many agree with Landry's conclusion. Week long retrospectives, TV airings, festivals, college cinema classes, film clubs and the obvious increase in bloviations from the international film critic community via the print media and internet will most likely cause a glut in the market for insomnia relief.

French reporter and media analyst Jean DuSant feels the repercussions of Rohmer's demise could be felt by the sleep aid industry for many years to come.

"As a journalist, I have spent entire weekends listening to actuaries discuss policy on risk evaluation procedures. I have covered writing seminars for aspiring science fiction and fantasy authors. Hell, I've even seen Sawyer Brown in concert... twice. But nothing, positively nothing, can prepare you for the inky black pool of incognizant slumber that Rohmer's films occasion."

Many executives from the drug manufacturing companies have panicked, some even going so far as to call for an unfeasible worldwide ban on the presentation of the director's films.

"I know it's desperate", admitted Doug Barnsworth, CEO of Sleep-Max PM, "But have you seen this guy's Moral Tales series? Each one is a foolproof recipe for uninterrupted hibernation. They produce the sort of listless dozing seen exclusively in the comatose. And the Tales of the Four Seasons? Holy shit! You'd need an eight-ball, a patrol siren, a bleeding ulcer and a dwarf poking you intermittently with a sharp stick to stay awake during that quartet of cinematic inertness."

Others were not as kind in their criticism.

"Rohmer's films will make you sleepier than an overfed, depressed Mexican with a head wound at siesta", insisted critic and gadfly C. Adolph Moores, "His movies are insultingly boring, pristinely void of activity. Think of them as the initial rivulets of saliva which form the bottomless puddle of drool on your pillow when you wake."

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana, Dec. 28, 2009 - Coming off their first loss of the season due to playing their second string lineup, the NFL's Indianapolis Colts announced today that they would be sitting their starters throughout this year's playoffs and Super Bowl in anticipation of the title game in 2011.

The decision, which has stumped football pundits and angered the Colts' fan base, has already cost the team an undefeated season and a chance at NFL history. Most damning is that the strategy has backfired numerous times in the past.

Both head coach Jim Caldwell and owner Jim Irsay assured fans and the media that although the plan is not a popular one nor, perhaps, even sane, they know it is the right thing to do.

"We want to be sure to have our best personnel healthy and on the field for the 2010 season. If that means sacrificing a chance at NFL immortality and a win in this year's Super Bowl, so be it", stated Irsay without irony, "There are more important things to worry about than going in the tank for the Patriots or Chargers year after year."

News spread fast around the league as opposing players and coaches seemed baffled by the decision.

Baltimore linebacker/psychopath Ray Lewis, whose Ravens are battling for one of the remaining AFC wildcard slots, just stood shaking his head.

"Somebody get me my knife", Lewis snarled, "I'm gonna go shave Peyton Manning's pussy."

Citing priorities elsewhere, from poverty to hunger to the sufferings of the war-torn, Jesus Christ today demanded that University of Florida football star Tim Tebow stop his prayers to influence the outcomes of Gator games and his own performance on the field.

The Lord finally refused Tebow's incessant pleas for success after realizing he had already granted the young man a Heisman trophy and two national championships.

"This guy is fucking relentless", said a taxed Savior from his room at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas. "He's asked for victories, guidance, health, prominence, a way out of his homosexual tendencies... it's just endless with this asshole."

"Enough is enough", the Nazarene added, "There comes a point, no matter how pious you are, when you simply start coming off like a selfish douchebag."

In the SEC Championship Game, Tebow looked uncharacteristically confused, throwing a key interception and being ineffective in the red zone.

At the end of the 32-13 blowout at the hands of a superior Alabama Crimson Tide team, he fell to his knees and wept like a child over the loss and the rebuke from his Divine Lord and Master. The eye black on which he wrote "John 3:16" streamed down his cheeks like so much greasy ash.

"These kids are really misguided", scolded the Son of God, "They think by thanking me and putting their trust in me every game they're going to get the most positive results. Truth be told, I could give a shit who wins. I'm a man who plays the spread. Go out and earn me some goddamn money and then we'll talk about divine forces and the hand of God in a meaningless little football game."

"I guess what really disturbs me is his insistence on playing at the next level," the Carpenter complained, "I'm known as a miracle worker but, seriously, have you seen this guy's throwing motion? Defenders should be chasing him with pitchforks and torches, not nickel packages."