Appaloosa

Appaloosa: Git along lame ol’ doggie

While the recent remake of 3:10 to Yuma was an unnecessary beatdown to fans of the western genre, Appaloosa is a kick to their ribs while they’re writhing.

Inexplicably stupid, painfully predictable and altogether implausible, the usually dependable Ed Harris takes on the multiple roles of co-producer, co-writer and director. But unlike his success with 2000’s Pollock he has really stepped in some horseshit here.

The plot is standard western fare. Townsfolk are being bullied and harassed by an egomaniacally murderous rancher (the terribly miscast Jeremy Irons) and hire a couple of seasoned lawmen (Harris and the consistently inconsistent Viggo Mortensen) to clean up the mess.

The story sputters, drags and becomes simply laughable as Renee Zellweger (a very bad, very overrated actress) is infused as Harris’ love interest. It sometimes seems like a "RomCom" on the range. Westerns don’t need perkiness or scrunchy-faced cutie pies. They need filthy whores and women who look like they just stepped out of a Dorothea Lang photo.

Irons’ menace is best left to the sly and malicious rogues he played in Reversal of Fortune and Dead Ringers. At barely 150 lbs, he is more apt a T.B. victim than an imposing rancher/cowpoke.

The film’s look is authentic but the music is anachronistic, the talented supporting cast is wasted and the plot hinges on such an infeasible ultimatum that it nearly made me cut off the projector (and my own nuts) for already wasting an hour on this irredeemable hash.

I’ll save you the time.