Taken

Liam Neeson's Junk

Liam Neeson has a very large cock.

While irrelevant to our discussion here, I mention this only because I think it's something that I would want proclaimed often and from the rooftops if I too was endowed with such a prodigious member.

Alas and alack, I am not.

One might wonder what all this diversionary penile prurience is about. The truth is I'm trying to stall for space here because I don't want to talk about his latest flick, Taken.

It's a big dick kind of movie.

So repugnantly macho, sexist and racist, in fact, that it started to tickle that lizard brain Id of mine (the one I keep secreted with the baggage in the attic- oh, christ, no, don't touch the Vuitton) and I found myself rather enjoying it in places.

A true, true guilty pleasure at times.

Like eating a Whopper, becoming a libertarian, listening to JET or discussing the merits of Brian DePalma films. The realization that you know you're absolutely full of shit and that indulging in such nonsense is harmful to both body and mind. Yet, you simply can't help yourself. You don the sensory deprivation hood, insert the lollipop into your mouth and suck to your heart's content.

The laughable plotline consists of a retired CIA man (Neeson) who has moved to California to be closer to his seventeen-year-old daughter whom he neglected for career and love of country. His ex-wife, now married to a millionaire, limits his interactions with the girl and constantly derides him with snarky lines like "Oh, now you want to be here for her?! Where were you when she really needed you?! Where were you when I needed you?!"

Yeah. It's that bad.

The daughter goes off to Europe against Liam's wishes and is promptly kidnapped by an Albanian sex slave ring.

Okay, I'll bite.

But I'd like to think her unusual and unlikely fate is more of a cosmic comeuppance for trying to follow U2's tour around the continent.

Yeah. It's that bad.

So, in the first twenty minutes, we establish that Liam is a concerned, good-hearted, measured, highly skilled, super-warrior father with a dumb, selfish whore for a daughter and a gold-digging cunt for an ex-wife.

Sexism satisfied, let's bring on the racism.

Can someone say "swarthy"?

The daughter is set up in a ruse perpetrated by a smooth talking Frenchman.

Then, sweaty, unhygienic Albanians take her by force.

Fortunately, she's on her phone with Pops when she's grabbed. So Daddy tells her to shout out details about her kidnappers before she is restrained. He gets a name, a description of a tattoo, Albanian dialect in the background and a voice saying "Good Luck" after he threatens to hunt them down.

It's all he needs. In a matter of hours he is in Paris, locates the smooth-talking Frenchman at the airport, finds the pimp/frontman for the sex slave operation and infiltrates the gang's holding pens for newfound jailbait where he finds his daughter's coat.

Being omniscient, he also purchases the kidnapper's wife those delightful flowers she loves so much and treats her to a weekend spa package in Evian (How did he know?!).

He thinks of everything. What a guy.

The sweaty, unhygienic Albanians have since sold his daughter to sweaty, unhygienic Arabs.

In the film's worst conceit, a fey, fat sheik with heavy mascara and liner has purchased the daughter and is whisking her away on his private pleasure yacht to apparently shout "Open Sesame", brandish a large cutlass and then ass-rape her. Unfortunately, Daddy bursts through the door to put a bullet between his beautifully styled eyes.

Praise be to Allah.

This film is Ted Nugent's wet dream.

The sort of pornography that Glenn Beck sobs to while jerking off.

A movie which could almost arouse Charles Krauthammer's lifeless dick.

It's bad cinema for bad people.

Plus, I had to come full circle and talk about cock again.

After all, I am a professional.