Righteous Kill

Third Time Unlucky

Righteous Kill is not a good film. In fact it's downright awful, hovering around the boundaries of the vulgarly unwatchable (like, say, Japanese octopus porn) and the mere mildly offensive (most of Tom Hanks' movies).

It's the kind of picture you take your secretary to after you've fucked her at the Econo Lodge during your lunch break. Far too early for you both to start drinking and quite sure you do not want to go back to the office, you head for a matinee.

Since you're the boss, rom-coms are right out. A full blown action picture might cost you next Tuesday's dalliance. So, you look at the marquee and see that Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino are together again for a cop thriller called Righteous Kill.

"You like DeNiro, don't you Delores?", you hear yourself asking.

And in the two of you go.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that nobody deliberately chooses to go see a movie like Righteous Kill. It's one of those Cineplex afterthoughts for when the Viagra's worn off and you can't risk being seen at the local watering hole drinking at 12:30 in the afternoon with a conservatively dressed whore named Delores.

The Boys in better daysNow, gather 'round Chilluns and I'll spin you a tale from a time when the names "DeNiro" and "Pacino" meant something in this town.

And if they were co-starring? Fuhgeddaboudit. It was NEWS.

But they're older now and it's been a long, long road from Godfather II. Shit, it's been a long, long road from Heat, which any douchebag who has no idea what he's talking about will tell you is a good film. It is not. It was directed by Michael Mann. In forty years of filmmaking Michael Mann has directed two good films, The Insider and Manhunter. And Manhunter wasn't all that good. Somebody needed to say it.

As for the boys today, DeNiro can't seem to ditch that closed-mouth glower and incessant nodding while Pacino is still wearing his hair like he just walked out of an Asia reunion concert.

The mighty have fallen and their Medicalert pendants have skidded under the chaise (and that joke would have been funny when Heat was in the theaters).The Boys today

Righteous Kill wants to be a thriller, but it's a little too slow. It wants to be a mystery, but even those with an extra chromosome could spot the "twist" during the first act. It wants to be steamy, but has two sexagenarians and a broad that looks like Lisa Rinna as the love interest who refuses to take off her bra. It wants to be an indictment of rogue cop vigilantism, but celebrates that behavior throughout. It wants to be a respectable film, but it hired 50 Cent and John Leguizamo to act in it.

It's a damn shame, really. But as long as there are marquee names like Bobby and Al out there, some asswipe is going to put up money to make movies like this. And Jon Avnet (Fried Green Tomatoes, The War, Up Close & Personal, Red Corner) will probably be there to direct them.

And philanderers, their administrative associates and other aimless Cineplex wanderers will be there to watch them.

I wonder how Delores feels about T&A comedies?