Public Speaking

"The Blind Art Collector and Other Stories"

As most males do in the formative years between the ages of 16 through 22, I began to concoct a mating theory in regard to the fairer sex that concerned itself primarily with the type of woman I imagined myself seeking for lifelong partnership. Being white, suburban, athletic of build, and devastatingly handsome, and that this was the late '70s and early '80s in America, I obviously gravitated to the nearest busty blond cheerleader type with long feathered hair whom I thought wouldn't prove herself to be a major pain in my ass (or an embarrassment at cocktail parties) for the duration of my charmed life. This was my ideal.

Heck, I masturbated to the Farrah Fawcett swimsuit poster so much I couldn't roll it into a tube any longer.

It was a sound wanting, storybook if you will, born of the idea at the time that while women's rights were indeed improving- a strong, testosterone-soaked American male still needed to essentially focus on aestheticism over practicality.

Trophy over depth.

Showiness over meaning.

Skin over soul.

The "blind art collector".

Then, as if ordained by forces beyond my control (TV and literature in this case), my amorous interests fell under the spell of two enchanting, ball-crushing Jewesses.

Raised as I was by a rather anti-Semitic father (hence my comfort with the term "Jewesses"), the idea that this little goy-boy could be so moved, so enrapt, with these cynical sirens of David became not only an antidote to my previously ill-formed worldview, but a nice dose of "fuck you" rebellion to the ethnic and cultural bubble in which I had been indoctrinated as a child.

The ladies of whom I speak were the comedian Sandra Bernhard and the author Fran Lebowitz.

My sexual interests turned to the secular Jewish women at university. As I spent those years in Florida, my search inevitably failed amidst the privileged JAPs from Miami and the remaining leftist, college cabal of insufferable neo-feminists and recalcitrant lesbians a la mode of the age. None of them were as urbane and biting as Fran and the rest had significantly more body hair than Sandra.  

Also, the romantic possibilities swirling in my gentile, well-endowed nether-regions dwindled when I found out that my two feminine idols both preferred the company of women in that regard.

My journey as a horny, intellectual male began to suck with a hitherto unseen suckiness.

But, true to my newfound predilections, my favorite women ever since have been mean-spirited, witty, elitist, ball-busting broads.

Most of my favorite men too, come to think of it.

Which is why I feel that asexuality and homosexuality are the only two choices if we are ever to improve this planet.

The breeders ruin everything.

I watched the recent Martin Scorsese documentary Public Speaking again the other evening and it solidified my position. The subject is author, wit, elitist raconteur Fran Lebowitz (my unrequited lover) who, through the film's 82 minutes, waxes on many subjects and cultural shifts over the past thirty years that have caused our society to plummet into the intellectual/societal/moral abyss that you now see before you. She refers to herself as the Willy Loman of literature, calling her infamous lack of output and extended writer's block as more of a "writer's blockade".

To review the film is silly. See it. It's a brilliant talking head handing out judgment, foresight, piercing reflections, repartee, and scathing critique to an audience either long dead (me!) or callously indifferent (me again!). The audience this film will never attain are the numbskulls who need it most. The people who still find the culture and society of contemporary 'Murca as A-OK.

Unlike the majority of my fellow citizens, I respect people who make me feel dumb. That is because I enjoy learning. And don't view people with more education than myself as threats to my tender existence.

A few highlights to whet the appetite.

Fran Lebowitz on:

Writers vs. other artists

"Writers have to know something."

Being correct

"I'm always right because I'm never fair."

Overuse of the term 'genius'

"You would be very lucky in your whole life if you saw the work of one genius."

Gay rights

"I'm stunned that the two greatest desires, apparently, of people involved in gay rights movements is marriage and gays in the military. Really?! I mean, to me it seems like these are the two most confining institutions on the planet- marriage and the military. Why would you be, like, beating down the doors to get in? Usually a fight for freedom is a fight for freedom. This is like the opposite. This is like a fight for slavery. I find it completely shocking. If it was on the ballot here I'd vote for it because I know people want it, but, personally, not me. Nor do I want to go in the army. I mean, people used to pretend to be gay to get out of going in the army."

James Baldwin

"I'm the only Jew in America whose first exposure to an intellectual was a black guy."

The gift of gab

"Talking, to me, is like having a trick thumb."

When asked if there was a difference between a female voice and a male voice in literature

"Even on the phone, there is a difference between a female voice and a male voice."

Contemporary literature

"There are too many books. The books are terrible. And this is because you have been taught to have self esteem."

When asked if she felt she was the modern day Dorothy Parker

"At this point in my life I'm happy to be considered the 'modern day' anything."

Creativity (re: slothfulness)

"It's very important, I think, for getting ideas or thinking of new things that comes from hanging around with other people. Talking, you know, that life. Sitting in the bars smoking cigarettes. That's the history of art."

Why Manhattan sucks now

"When a place is too expensive, only people with lots of money can live there. You cannot say an entire city of people with lots of money is fascinating."

New York City tourists

"Herds of hillbillies."

Being seen in Times Square

"Running into someone in Times Square is like, if you're a New Yorker, and you run into another New Yorker in Times Square, it's like running into someone at a gay bar in the '70s. I'm not really here... I'm doing research..."

Fame and Warhol's Superstars

"This is what happens when an inside joke gets into the water supply."

First visiting Warhol's 'Factory' (well after his shooting)

"I knocked. 'Who is it?', a voice asked. 'Valerie Solanas', I said. Andy opened the door."

The AIDS crisis

"They never talked about what audience was lost. They talked about what artists were lost. A very discerning audience, an audience with a high level of connoisseurship, is as important to the culture as artists."

Politics and culture

"Too much democracy in the culture. Not enough democracy in the society."

The difference between comedy and wit

"Niceness" 

The derogatory nature of the term 'elite' in America

"They don't mean 'rich'. Americans love rich people. They mean 'smart'."

Gender

"What a big piece of luck it is. Any white, gentile, straight man who is not President of the United States... failed."

Being foresighted

"Here's the problem with being ahead of your time. By the time everyone else gets around to it, you're bored."

Racism

"Racism is a fantasy of superiority."

Sexism

"Inequality of women will never end because it's biological."

Writing

"The history of writing is, the history of when people are actually writing, they do something bad to themselves at the same time. People used to drink. People smoked. While you're writing you're doing something bad to yourself. And that is to punish yourself for playing God."

My Darling, I'll hold your booth for you at the Waverly in hell.