The Mall Part 2

We now return to The Mall Part 2: Shop 'Til You Plotz starring Cantinflas, Efrem Zimbalist Jr., Eve Marie Saint, Dana Plato and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

The bright light of the sun silhouettes Bill’s figure against the backdrop of the doors. He walks forward into the light of the building, sweating and exhausted. Puffs of pink spray mist him and he looks for their source. A subtle, near subliminal disembodied voice (VOICE) speaks.

VOICE (O.S.)

Welcome to The Mall Of The Universe. Please continue shopping. Spend. Purchase. Procure. Credit is available.

Bill looks around the throng of other people but no one seems to notice either the voice or the pink mist. He looks further down the wing of the mall.

On either side of the building, stretching for eternity, are shops, stores and eateries of every possible type.

The mobs of people are of every ethnic background and class. They all carry shopping bags full of goods. The majority of them are talking on cell phones and eating.

Children are everywhere. They too carry shopping bags and are stuffing food into their mouths.

Most of the children are speaking on cell phones as well.

The large din of voices from so many mouths creates a low drone which permeates the entire area.

Bill is awestruck. He looks around inquisitively, then heads into a “Sharper Image” type store.

All sorts of innovative, worthless gadgetry surround him and he approaches the clerk (CLERK #1) behind the counter.

BILL

Excuse me. Hello. Could you tell me where I might find Harlingtons?

 CLERK #1

You have to buy something first.

 BILL

No, no. I just need directions. I’m looking for a store called Harlingtons.

 CLERK #1

Sir. I cannot give out that information unless you first purchase something from our store.

Bill is incredulous.

 BILL

Are you kidding me? Oh! I get it. (LAUGHS) Good one. You almost had me there. Uh, Harlingtons?

The clerk stares at him blankly. Bill is now angry.

 BILL

I don’t have time for this shit right now. But I’ll be back for you, you little cocksucker. Your manager is going to hear about this.

The clerk picks up a phone and begins dialing. Bill storms out. He looks back at where he originally entered the mall but it has become a Starbucks.

He looks curiously at it for a moment then turns and heads down the mall.

Small kiosks separate the walkway, selling jewelry, cell phones, purses, vinyl siding, vanity license plates, framed prints, etc.

As Bill comes to the center atrium, a small boys choir is SINGING “It’s A Small World” in soprano voices. Next to them is a fountain with many coins filling the bottom. A sign in front reads, “TOSS IN A COIN AND MAKE A WISH”. The CATERWAULING of the choir continues the chorus of the song.

BILL

Yeah. But it’s a big fucking mall.

A small boy (BOY) with a shopping bag holds hands with his mother near to Bill.

BOY

Mommy? Why doesn’t that man have any products?

The mother leans over to the boy and whispers in his ear. The boy points at Bill.

 BOY

You’re poor! You’re poor!

Bill reaches over and grabs the child’s bag. He throws it to the floor and begins stomping on it, crushing the contents under foot. The boy wails. The mother grabs the boy’s hand in fear and trots off with him in tow.

Bill frantically makes his way into a toy store. He brushes past the line of woman and children and appeals directly to the clerk (CLERK #2).

BILL

Excuse me. Do you know of a place called Harlingtons in this mall?

The clerk looks at him, puzzled.

BILL

Harlingtons. It’s a department store. Somewhere here in the mall.

CLERK #2

Sir. These people were ahead of you in line. I’ll have to ask you to wait your turn.

BILL

Yes, I know. But I’m not buying anything. I just want to know where-

CLERK #2

You’re not buying anything?

BILL

No. I simply want-

CLERK #2

Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave or wait your turn.

BILL (RESIGNED IN ANGER)

Okay. I’ll wait.

Bill heads to the end of the line and fumes quietly. He impatiently watches the first transaction progress slowly. The choir outside has begun SINGING, “Hakuna Mutata”. He rolls his eyes and exhales.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT-TOY STORE.

Bill is next in line. A fat woman and her fat child leave the counter.

CLERK #2

Thank you Ma’am and have a great shopping day.

The clerk’s plastic smile fades as Bill approaches.

CLERK #2

And what was it I can help you with Sir?

BILL

Harlingtons. Where the hell is Harlingtons?

CLERK #2

I know of no Harlingtons in The Mall of The Universe.

BILL

Then is there an exit nearby?

CLERK #2

A what?

BILL

An exit. A way out of here. A release from this ghastly place.

CLERK #2

Why would you ever want to leave this place, Sir?

BILL

Certainly there is some sort of back door where you receive shipments or whatnot. I could just slip out. I won’t bother a soul.

CLERK #2

I’m not sure I quite understand. You (PAUSE) you want to leave the mall?

BILL

Yes.

CLERK #2

But no one ever leaves the mall. Why should they? Everything is right here.

Bill looks at the clerk oddly and begins backing out of the store cautiously. He is confused and a bit frightened. He walks into the store next door. A beautiful young woman (WOMAN) greets him. He smiles.

BILL

Could you help me? I don’t seem to be communicating very well today.

She smiles toothily at him and sprays his face with a blast from a perfume bottle.

WOMAN

The earthy yet feminine scent of “Rumor” is sure to be a hit with that special lady in your life.

BILL

You dumb whore! You blinded me!

Bill staggers from the store, rubbing his eyes. He blinks rapidly and regains some sight and composure. A small balsa plane swoops around his face and disappears. Bill is stunned.

SALESMAN (O.S.)

Isn’t that amazing?

The salesman is holding the airplane in his right hand. He is looking directly at Bill.

BILL

What?

The salesman throws the plane again and it curves around Bill’s head and returns to him.

BILL (ANGRILY)

What are you doing? Don’t throw that fucking thing at me again.

The salesman hurls the plane again. It loops over and past Bill’s head and returns through his legs, directly back to the salesman.

BILL

Look Paco. I’m in no mood right now. I’ll shove that plane so far up your ass they’ll be removing balsa from your colon.

The salesman smiles at him and readies the plane for another toss when the mother (MOTHER) of the boy whose bag Bill crushed runs up and points at Bill.

MOTHER

That’s him! That’s that awful man!

Two mall security officers jog up to Bill and zap him with a taser. He crumbles to the ground. They each grab an arm and pull Bill, heels dragging on the waxed floor, across the mall.

Bill regains awareness as they pull him past the boys choir, who are now singing “Be Our Guest”.

BILL (SCREAMING)

Will you please shut the fuck up!

Bill sees the fountain sign again, “TOSS IN A COIN AND MAKE A WISH”. The disembodied voice rings in.

VOICE (O.S.)

Welcome to The Mall Of The Universe. Please continue shopping. Spend. Purchase. Procure. Credit is available.

The larger of the two officers reaches down and zaps Bill again.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT-INTERROGATION ROOM.

Bill awakes hazily. He is sitting in a wooden chair in the middle of an empty room. A naked light bulb hangs and glows from a wire in the ceiling. The two officers (OFFICER #1 and OFFICER #2) enter. They each circle him slowly. They speak in the clipped tones of Jack Webb on “Dragnet”.

OFFICER #1

Did you think you’d get away with it?

Bill looks up at him.

BILL

I just wanted to pick up some stemware.

OFFICER #2

Yeah. At Harlingtons, right?

The officers look at each other and laugh.

OFFICER #1

Problem is (PAUSE) there’s no place called Harlingtons. Now just how stupid do you think we are?

BILL

Well. I’m guessing college was pretty much out of the question.

OFFICER #2

That’s not funny. Did you think that was funny, Ed?

OFFICER #1

No I did not. Why’d you stomp the kid’s bag?

BILL

That was a mistake. I’m sorry. I’ll be glad to pay for any damages. Or replace the items. Whatever it takes.

OFFICER #2

Can you replace the trust that boy lost today?

Bill is silent.

OFFICER #2

I didn’t think so.

OFFICER #1

And what about the customer service people you harassed? They’re just trying to do their jobs like everybody else.

BILL

I was, perhaps, a bit rude. But I just wanted to leave. No one would tell me how to get out of here. There seemed to be a problem with, simply, leaving.

OFFICER #2

Now that’s funny. Isn’t that funny Ed?

The first officer glares at Bill.

OFFICER #1

Yeah. A real stitch.

OFFICER #2

We’re going to have to see some credit cards.

BILL

Don’t you mean ID?

OFFICER #1

Credit cards. Visa, Mastercard, Amex, Diner’s Club.

BILL

What about Discover?

OFFICER #1

We don’t take Discover.

BILL

Look. This is ridiculous. Let me give you some money for the kid’s stuff and I’ll apologize to the clerks and then you can just send me on my way. I won’t come back. I promise.

OFFICER #2

You really don’t get it, do you Slick? Let me make this perfectly clear.

The officer bends down and whispers something in Bill’s ear. The officer eases back and smiles darkly. Suddenly he falls to the floor with a THUD. The other officer runs at Bill but he lunges out of the chair and tasers him also. That officer falls to the floor, trembling.

Bill runs out of the room and back into the mall area. The same constant bustle is there. The choir is singing The Mickey Mouse Club theme song. Bill looks at the sign in front of the fountain. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a penny.

He tosses the penny in. He follows it by swan diving into the fountain. SCREAMS come from the female onlookers and the choir stops singing. The waves in the fountain subside.

Bill’s body has disappeared.

CUT TO:

INT-FOUNTAIN.

All is complete darkness except the illuminated figure of Bill, gracefully floating down into the dark depths. All around him dimes, quarters, pennies and nickels cascade and flutter. They twinkle and gleam in the darkness as they spin around Bill in his slow descent. He twirls once in the water and rests on his back. Above him the coinage continues to float down in a beautiful pattern. His eyes remain unblinking and a small, knowing grin stretches across his face. He disappears in the blackness.

FADE TO BLACK.

                                                                THE END