Tales From the Bunker: America's Final Days
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 10:29PM Tales from the Bunker: America ’s Final Days
JULY 4th, 2015 – A secret underground bunker somewhere beneath The White House.
The withered form of an old man lies on a hospital bed in a concrete room. A naked light bulb hangs above him on a cord, occasionally swaying from the vibrations of muffled artillery fire from outside the walls. Clouds of dust swirl in the air, highlighted by the harsh glow. The old man gasps for air and coughs phlegm.
He is dying.
The latch on the room's steel door creaks and the uniformed figure of a female, in army greens and combat boots, marches over to the bed. She is adorned with medals. She peers down at him sympathetically, maternally through oddly fashionable lenses.
He is ghostly pale, near opaque. He looks up at her with his one good eye.
She speaks.
“John? It’s me. Sarah. Your President.”
The man raises his hand and meekly clutches her forearm. He struggles to speak but is too weak to be audible. His breathing becomes labored. He wheezes and releases his grip.
“Listen to me John. The Chinamen are at the gates. Our Christian soldiers, God bless ‘em, fought to the death. But there’s not much time left. Those little stinkers are already at the Lincoln Memorial.”
She reaches down and strokes his cheek.
“Our Great Theocratic Experiment is coming to a close. We did give them a what for though, didn’t we John? Still, I can’t help but worry about what will become of little Trig. Jesus loves him so. He even blessed the little guy with an extra chromosome.”
The old man grimaces, moves his jaw around a few times and spits a long, stringy, blood-streaked gob of mucous onto her powdered face.
“Gosh John! That’s not so friendly. Jeepers, and after all we’ve been through.”
She removes a handkerchief from her pocket and wipes the spittle from her face.
“I think you need a time out, Mister!”
She pulls the pillow from behind his head and smothers him with it. His feet flail, straighten, and then come to rest.
She smiles.
“The Chinese?! Who would a thunk? Godless heathens.”
She removes the pillow from his face and sets it aside. She bends down and kisses him firmly on the lips.
“I owe it all to you John.”
She pulls her revolver from her hip holster.
“Goodnight my Maaaaaverick.”
A solitary tear runs down her cheek, taking some mascara with it.
“See yuh on the other side.”
She places the gun in her mouth, crosses herself and pulls the trigger. Her body hits the floor with a thud.
Uneven footsteps, interspersed with a dragging sound can be heard down the hallway. The limping figure of Sean Hannity, in full military regalia, enters the doorway. He looks upon the scene and braces himself against the jamb, resting his clubfoot. He begins blubbering and wailing inconsolably. Tears stream down his face and his epauletted shoulders and medaled breast convulse with his sobs.
He grabs the President by her boots and clumsily drags her from the room. Her massive amount of hair leaves a wide trail of gore behind.
“Get those last cans of gasoline ready”, he shouts from the hallway.
The bombing outside becomes louder.
The dust blows forward and the dust blows back.
The American Empire lay in ruins.
C. Adolph Moores is currently working on his latest book, “If Ann Coulter Wasn’t Such an Insufferable Cunt, She’d be a Liberal”.
Reader Comments (2)
Humorous, if non-subtle..of course dressing the Republicans in Nazi imagery is predictable but misses the irony that the GOP no longer seems able to muster enough gumption to actually rise to such rigid inferences of smiling violence. "Bipartisanship" don't you know. I'm pretty sure the Obamaniacs responsible for this site know bloody well that they are making a Red Chinese invasion possible and likely, and want to be on the good side of Mao's Kids when they take over. I love the typewriter-and-smokes look of the site- too bad the gun will be confiscated shortly. Cheers!
Is the implication that a Democratic President will take our precious guns out of the hands of us law abiding citizens? When has that happened in the last 100 years?
Get a dog for protection!