Future Republican Grassroots Movements

When we last left our freedom craving brothers and sisters from across the ideological aisle they were coming off a disaster known as the "Tea Bag Party". A selected nomenclature of sexual naiveté so embarrassing that it almost eclipsed the humiliation of attending the event itself. A political vulgarity of poor to middle income tax payers protesting a tax decrease for themselves and condemning a tax increase for those who could (and do) buy and sell them a million times over. Kind of like sticking up for the unquestionable character of your cellmate/rapist whenever the guard or warden ask if everything's hunky dory with your stay at Rikers.

"Couldn't be better, Sir", you excitedly chime, "I hope to be a well-respected, feared, vicious ass-taker myself one day! That's what freedom is all about! The ability to choose without government interference."

Then, about a week ago, the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) decided that enjoying their own wedlock and those who chose similarly was not enough. Only the prevention of other people's marriages whom they did not like would provide them with real happiness and make them whole as a family and people. They called their latest movement "2M4M" (2 Million for Marriage) and must have felt a bit outnumbered in a nation of over 300 million people when they shot for less than 0.007% of the population to join in on the hate. They must have been more disconcerted to discover that "M4M" is the slightly acronymic code for "men seeking men" in the back of most urban culture rags circulating the nation for their nemesis, the (in a whisper) homosexual.

Whoopsies!!!!

"Did we slash the R&D/PR budget this quarter, Madge?"

As usual with Republican hubris, they were not daunted but, rather, encouraged by the gaffes. Trying to make up for their brash ignorance with new ventures into the catchy, the slangy, the metaphoric and the double entendre of their unknown.

Grassroots, corporate sponsored movements began springing up all across this great land. From the mountains ("Choppin' Wood for Liberty") to the prairies ("Fillin' in America's Corn Holes!") to the oceans white with... well... you get the picture.

So, my man on the ground and infiltrator of the conservative cabals, we shall call him Agent Pinochet Guevara, has revealed that other campaigns are afoot. We received his coded missive a few days ago from parts unknown. Actually, the tips were taken directly from Michelle Malkin's blog. A glory hole of wrongheadedness. She's a rank idiot.

Upcoming Republican Grassroots Campaigns*

* A subsidiary of News Corp.

1.) The 2012 Bukakke Freedom Fest - Rally to get Sarah Palin nominated for Republican Presidential Candidate. Begging the age-old Alaskan joke where the Eskimo comes into a garage with a broken down snowmobile, shivering from the cold.

"Blow a seal?" the mechanic asks.

"No, just a little snow on my moustache", replies Nanook.

2.) Conservative Ohioans form an armada of Cleveland Steamers on Lake Erie and set course to block Canadian ships delivering goods on NAFTA agreements.

3.) Free Hot Karl Rove prison hunger strikes. This could actually work. If there is justice and he is imprisoned; the fat, pasty porcine conservatives that would come to his aid could last an eternity on their stored body fats.

4.) Jelly Donut Bake Sales for Abstinence - Careful with that cream, Ladies. I'd hate to have to punch you in the nose.

5.) The Dirty Sanchez Immigration Reform Bill - "OMG, do you know what those swarthy Latinos would do to our fair-haired women given half a chance? Build the wall!"

6.) The BBW Front - Twenty-percenters united to "Bring Back W."

7.) Felcher's Fund - Slush fund for scabs from Felch, Michigan who take jobs from union auto workers. They also take seamen's jobs. And prefer pilfering small things from small places to make a living.

8.) ATM Withdrawal Day - Combined effort to withdraw so much cash from money machines at a single time that it will bring down the Jewish-run international banking system and restore the economy to the gold standard. Them darn bankers would then have to live "hand to mouth".

9.) Goldwater Showers - Simply raining truths down upon progressives through coordinated efforts to stop liberal "yellow journalism" and, as our fellow Thatcherites say, "Take the piss out of them."

10.) Hummer Fest 3000 - A full-bore, shaking, quivering, cross country Hum-Fest road trip of epic tremorasciousness, My Brothers! Get behind me, hell, get your ass in front of me! We are going to quake this land that is ours, By God. He made this world for us. Mother Nature is my bitch! Drill, Baby, drill. But don't forget to HUM.

11.) The Tom Delay Texas Kick-Fucking Rodeo - Step right up. Birchers get half off their first toein'. Be sure to visit the Nancy Pelosi "Moose Knuckle" booth. There will also be a Dwarf and Salad Toss. AND ANGER GODDAMNIT!!!!

12.) The Minnie Pearl Necklace Tour - Tho' she may be dead and gone, we still need her soothin' comedy and dulcet tones to remind of us the former glory of the "Southern Strategy"

13.) The Lucky Pierre Protests - In coordination with Conservative Canadian PM Stephen Harper, Francophobe's desires to rename cross-cultural phraseologies (remember "Freedom Fries"?) such as "French Salad Dressing" to "Bitter Catsup", a "French Kiss" to "Tongue Stabbin'" and "Charles de Gaulle" to "That Miserable, Smelly, Coward Faggot Who Almost Lost World War 2" will be considered.

14.) Blood Hounds on the Border - Vigilant warriors who would keep our territories safe down near Mexico. They have a lust for hemoglobin in any form. They prefer to have it smeared on their mouth, chin and/or chest, once a month.

15.) Puerto Rican Fog Bank - Ersatz trust fund location in our island empire to the south. Purposes of tax evasion are legitimized in that Godless socialists and nigras can't get their filthy paws on our inherited money.

16.) Rusty Trombone's Christian Band Camp - You can reach out to many people. As Rusty does for these children. But when teaching a child a delicate instrument, it is important to remember that reaching out may not be enough. He needs your support, money and energy to make sure these kids learn how to hold the flute correctly and follow through at home with their lip exercises.

17.) For all of you concerned citizens worried about where this nation is headed and unable to attend any of the preceding events, our RNC President Michael Steele has a special message for you to keep the spirit alive and help us, all of us, remember the importance of our mission.

Michael Steele:

Poppin' that pussy's a dance for the ladies
Straight from the South, into the 90's
Freaky bitches are the ones I like
In G-strings in the middle of the night
Smoke-filled stages, bitches in cages
Guards at the door, armed with gauges
As they dance and I get hot,
Keep throwin' that pussy! Don't stop!
I like the way you lick the champagne glass
It makes me wanna stick my dick in your ass
So come on, baby, and pop it quick
I fall in love when you suck my dick
Bitch, you don't know? You ain't heard?
Fuckin' with me, you're gonna get served
See, none of my bitches, they never complain
So come on, baby, and pop that thang!

It's a BIGASSSS tent y'all. Limbaugh all up in heeya... Foshizzle...