Palin Resignation

Sarah Takes Ball, Goes Home

Is it wrong that I want to fuck Michele Bachmann?

I've always been very turned on by women whom I know are unresponsive in bed and do not remotely enjoy the act of intercourse.

Which is why Sarah Palin never did anything for me.

It's obvious she can fuck like a minx.

Has the Republican Party and all its members indeed gone batshit crazy? Why are all my wishes for their demise, humiliation and removal to the fringe of American politics being so easily assisted by the actual ne'er-do-wells themselves? I mean, you can't ask for more screw-ups than this from your enemy. It must have been how Lee felt about McClellan. An "Okay, if you insist" sort of arrangement.

Not only do they continue to shoot off their feet, they seem more than willing to saw the leg off at mid-femur. Is it all some elaborate grand strategy to elicit sympathy and regain power through a pity vote? Did the Bush Administration nerve gas all of them in a final scorched earth retreat? Are they all duplicitous, closeted, homosexual, meth-addicted, philandering god suckers hell bent on their own destruction? Is there anyone who can stop this savage slaughter?

I know I'll regret saying this further down the road but, it's almost no fun deriding them anymore. It's like shooting deer from a blind. Pushing a Downs Syndrome child down some stairs. Since last summer, with that ill-fated, worst-run presidential campaign in American electoral history, the GOP has been limping around like an old gout-ridden uncle, stumbling into the end table, knocking over lamps and expensive vases and leaving huge piss stains on the new carpet. You'd almost feel sorry for them if it wasn't all so pathetic.

And feel sorry for them is the last thing we should do. For they are not a gout-ridden uncle past their prime. They are an unrepentant, abusive, alcoholic father who's acting slightly remorseful over his past excesses and transgressions. Weeping a little, somewhat apologetic, he plays to your emotions and sense of familial commitment in order to worm his way back into your conscience and life.

But I warn you, if you let him back into the house, he'll start drinking and take that belt to you again, believe me.

He is a monster bent on dominance. An authoritarian asshole of remarkable degree who wants nothing more than to be seen as an upstanding man by his community while laying waste to all that is innocent and decent in the humanity of those around him. Those whom he finds contemptible, weak-willed and expendable; the liberals, secularists, homosexuals, environmentalists, intellectuals, academicians, minorities, scientists, feminists, socialists, activists, war protestors, artists... anyone or anything that does not reek of profit or power.

Do not confuse the beast's temporary weakness as a change of heart.

It is time to cut off its head, not debate what should be done with it.

Which brings us to Sarah Palin.

Nice segue, eh?

For she is a shining example of the recent dementia of the Republican Party. Not only in how quickly she skyrocketed to cult status amongst the dull mob of the 25 percenters, but also for the amazing clumsiness with which she handles everything not given to a ten second patriotic sound-bite or some creepy reference to god or Jesus.

The woman's life is an eternal Maury Povich segment. She is a walking, winking testament to ambition over intellect. I mean really, she pimped her daughter Bristol - an 18 year old, unwed mother who fucked her boyfriend in the Governor's house with the Governor's knowledge while still a minor - as a spokesperson for teen abstinence.

Hypocrisy and idiocy cannot begin to describe that amount of cognitive dissonance. Perhaps when the talk turns to preventative birth control methods, this uber-breeder and her daughter should politely excuse themselves from the room as non-experts.

Her latest fiasco is her resignation from the governorship of Alaska this past Friday. A stunner on the national political landscape as she was laughably the frontrunner for the Republican Party presidential nomination in 2012 according to some polls that were surprisingly not intended to be gags.

Now, anyone with half a brain and a nickel in their pocket could tell you that Satan would be ice skating to work the day she won the nomination. But she energizes the Jesus freaks, stimulates the torpid cocks of mean-spirited old white men and is a bizarre feminist role model for women who embrace subservience to males and lack any measurable degree of self-respect.

She is also as dumb as a hammer.

Which is why the political logic behind her resignation, if she has any designs on higher office, was sheer lunacy. Not on the scale of picking her as a running mate but, still, inexplicably nuts by any other standard. Her political opponents from both sides of the spectrum will be able to destroy her with it. The "Nobody Likes a Quitter" ads practically write themselves.

What Sarah essentially has shown is that she can't stomach media scrutiny, is a deer in the headlights when questioned on anything except how she feels about the troops and does not even possess the wherewithal to finish out her duties as Governor for the state that elected her. The state she claims to love so dearly.

A little over the midway point in her four year term she has simply up and quit. An employment turnover stat more given to the retail industry than a governorship.

With some very strange reasoning behind it all.

She claimed she did not want the remainder of her term carried out in "lame duck" status, yet by stating that she would not seek reelection in 2010 the very same day as her resignation, she herself created the "lame duckedness".

There has been a mound of ethics violation charges piling up at her door which has currently allowed her an angle of "witch hunt" victimization but does not bode well for her political future when that baggage can easily be carted out again.

A lot of murky promises to change the system from the outside were also included in her speech. What this bit of nonsensical, cloaked rhetoric means is anyone's guess. Is she simply going to act as a fundraising tool for conservative causes and candidates? Tackle some interests and issues close to her heart? Retire on the sweet money from book deals and speaking engagements?

Truly prepare for a presidential run?

All-around fathead Bill Kristol called the move a "shrewd gamble" adding "After all, she's freeing herself from the duties of the governorship. Now she can do her book, give speeches, travel the country and the world, campaign for others, meet people, get more educated on the issues - and without being criticized for neglecting her duties in Alaska."

As this prediction comes from Bill Kristol, it is 100% assured that reality will spin the other way.

Mary Matalin (another woman I always wanted to sleep with because I know she'd lay there motionless and gripe) thinks so too. The discredited Republican strategist called Palin's move "brilliant"- a word which could never, ever be affiliated with any action or thought that Sarah Palin has ever had.

Regardless, Matalin continued, "she will be freed up and liberated the way Mitt Romney is to raise money and get political chips by spending it and getting political capital."

But Romney finished out his term as Governor of Massachusetts before running in 2008. Other Republican frontrunners will not carry the tag of "quitter" either. Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota has promised to finish out his term in 2010. Religious crackpot and Fox liar Mike Huckabee served out his terms as Arkansas Governor and Newt Gingrich sees everything to its bitter end except scandal and, of course, his marriages. So Sarah's going to get pasted with the "quitter" label from these hacks right out of the gate. This nasty little boy's club will politically gang rape this stupid whore. Even Huckabee might join in on the verbal bukkake.

But enough delightful sexual imagery.

I'm not saying her candidacy is an impossibility. She seems a dense and deserving glutton for punishment. And heaven knows the right wing of this country has the decision making skills and memory recall of a severely retarded child in a high-back chair. So this cynic ain't ruling anything out. Dan Quayle, white courtesy phone, Dan Quayle.

Let's take a look at some snippets from Friday's rambling bit of apologia (masking itself as populist horseshit) straight from the mouth of "The Barracuda".

Interestingly, the original text of the speech contained many words in all capital letters, numerous exclamation points and apparently daisies for the dots on the "i"s.

Alaska would be part of America's great destiny. Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. It's energy! God gave us energy.

It's always about God's gas with this one.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

"That's why I will not be meeting my obligations to her or fulfilling the duties of my office. I have also decided to leave you good and decent people in the lurch to sort out all the shit yourselves."

We took government out of the dairy business and put it back into private-sector hands – where it should be.

Where it can be deregulated with no oversight as to food safety standards, chemical additives, ethical treatment of the animals or experimental growth hormones.

And we made common sense conservative choices to eliminate personal luxuries like the jet, the chef, the junkets... the entourage.

She just can't stop talking about that jet and chef.

We broke ground on the new prison.

Fulfilling the Republican dream of America as prison/state.

... those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral and doesn’t even make economic sense!

She's rambling a bit here. I think she's about to cry "socialism". Somebody give her a sports analogy to work with!

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities.

There it is! So, which is it? Do I keep my eye on the ball or the basket? And who's protecting my eye? Do I wear goggles like Kareem? I get so confused. But I was only a power forward, so what the hell do I know.

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me to be his running-mate – I say others changed.

Yes, those of us who believed this country could be a great nation once again. Then, the idea and popularity of you came along and we remembered how irretrievably far we had fallen. Wait a minute, did she just say John McCain "tapped" her?

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won!

Apparently, there's plenty more where those came from.

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas.

This is the woman who didn't get her first passport until she was 42 and has done no international traveling outside of U.S. Army bases.

... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out.

Did she just reference "a quitter" without irony?

So that Alaska may progress... I will not seek re-election as Governor.

That's the wisest thing to ever come out of her mouth.

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that...

... "I'm outta here Motherfuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"