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Wednesday
Jun012011

GOP Announces Front Runner For 2012 Presidential Race

With dwindling hopes for any conceivable candidate to challenge and defeat Democrat incumbent Barack Obama in the 2012 Presidential election, the Republican Party has moved forward plans (20 years in advance) to simply run a lather-mouthed, rabid pit bull named "Bonkers" as its presidential hopeful.

"Despite the seemingly unwinnable election for our party in 2012, Bonkers represents the spirit, heart and soul of our party", claimed GOP publicist Turk Baghold, "With his senseless dedication to violence and hatred of the 'other', we believe we have found a voice, a bark if you will, that gels with our ideals as a ruthless coalition of petty, dumb and mean Caucasians that will set us on a new path as a nation and return us to the promised land of Ronald Reagan's shining city on the hill. I know the dream used to be an Eisenhower-era one but, reflecting on some of that milquetoast's policies, he came dangerously close to transforming America into a socialist gulag."

For years, Republican politicians, strategy wonks and the RNC have been searching for someone, any entity really, that properly mirrors their unconcern for human life, a disregard for suffering and a total lack of empathy for anyone or anything that can't turn a profit or be of indentured use. A candidate who could nail that cold, icy stare one gets when confronting a mortal enemy in the arena of battle, whether it be a political forum or a shallow dirt pit strewn with the blood and sinewy remains of the vanquished.

In preliminary Iowa Republican primary polling, Bonkers is 7 percentage points ahead of Newt Gingrich (voters finding him too cerebral), 10 points up on Ron Paul (too liberal), 13 points in front of Mitt Romney ("Didn't he run as 'John Kerry' in 2004?") and has a 20 point lead on Michelle Bachmann (they don't care for Minnesotans). The dog is also a whopping 42 points ahead of Tim Pawlenty as only one person surveyed had any idea who in the hell he was. Herman Cain did not receive a single nod as everyone assumed he was the caterer for the ensuing pizza party after the mock vote.     

"The angry hound is a great idea!", offered Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Mormon Territories), "We tried snakes, spiders, Fred Thompson, bacteria, spores gathered from a mossy stump, a cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan which was shaken for fake animation during a piped in speech from 1986, you name it. But, who better to control and do our bidding than man's best friend and a beast of burden in the highest office of this country. If we could get a Christian dog, though, that would be perfect. I have some magical underwear and a scepter that would make it blessed in God's eyes."

"Liberals hate dogs, you realize", barked novelty act/radio personality Rush Limbaugh, "They're all cat people. And by choosing an animal that is unresponsive to commands, their passivity in leadership and aversion to command immediately comes to light. Bonkers is strong, muscular and determined- a symbolic menace to the frail, the sycophantic, and the enemies of America. Just the sort of beast every liberal fears. I am pro 'Bonkers'. Whatever gets this socialist, income redistributor out of office is fine with me. Even if it is a frothing, easily distracted cur. Heck, Snerdley, I backed Palin in 2008, didn't I?"

Interestingly, Bonkers became rabid shortly after being bitten by Sarah Palin in a struggle over a rancid piece of caribou meat on the buffet at the 2010 CPAC Convention after-party.

"As our polling data shows", cited Baghold, "28% of conservatives in this country have already alluded to their preference in voting for either an inanimate object, the ghost of John Birch, or a non-sentient life form over a nig-, er, African-American. With a strong independent swing vote, including dog lovers, we're almost there."

"It's strange", waxed Baghold, "We as a party spend so much of our energy decrying the evils of government and how it should be dismantled and yet we dedicate the majority of our time, energy and resources seeking office and political power. Oddly, if we succeeded in our struggle, it would be the very end of us. I know there's a word for that phenomenon, but I can't quite think of it."

"Perhaps Bonkers has the answers to it", Baghold added.

Woof.

Reader Comments (1)

You were only kind of right about Michelle Bachman, it's not that she's from MN, it's that Iowans already had CRAZY ass, lying, misogynist, xenophobe, luddite, Christian, bigot job taken care of with Rep (R) Steve King, so she left and she chose MN. Yet another reason Mn actually hates Iowa. Just another fame whore who place to spew.

June 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChaz Roberto

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