"If an American is concerned only about his nation, he will not be concerned about the peoples of Asia, Africa, or South America. Is this not why nations engage in the madness of war without the slightest sense of penitence? Is this not why the murder of a citizen of your own nation is a crime, but the murder of citizens of another nation in war is an act of heroic virtue?"

"A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death."
                                 

There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate. And what I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong, I wasn’t trapped in situation ethics, I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them. I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness. Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God. And I think most people, deep down in their hearts hope there’s a forgiving God.

Somebody once said that when we’re young, we seek justice, but as we get older, we seek mercy. There’s something to that, I think. I feel that I’m now 67, I’m a grandfather. I have two wonderful grandchildren. I have two wonderful daughters and two great sons-in-law. Callista and I have a great marriage. I think that I’ve learned an immense amount.

And I do feel, in that sense, that God has given me, has blessed me with an opportunity as a person. Forget about all this political stuff. As a person, I’ve had the opportunity to have a wonderful life, to find myself now, truly enjoying the depths of my life in ways that I never dreamed it was possible to have a life that was that nice.

GOP Frontrunner, Folks.

Just how deep will the revisionism go in Dixie and Jesusland?

As I am seeking work in the journalistic field or, more to the point, soullessly renting my acumen to anyone who will pay me money to lie, cheat and steal, I thought it lucrative to offer some blurbs to the newspaper for the coming week. Of course, in the spirit and slant they desire. String this shit and pay me:

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein Scolds Organizers of Hippie Dog Fighting Mill

Rush Limbaugh Pulls Hot Blonde From Raging Flames of a "Burning Man" Sacrifice

NYT Columnist Paul Krugman Seen Ogling Daughters of Austrian School Economists

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders Enjoys Some Unflavored Black Radish Shavings. A Delicacy of the Socialist State

Protestor Finally Makes Valid Point About Multi-hued Hair

Violent Metrosexual Insists Armed Cop Smell His "Axe" Body Spray

The former Massachusetts Governor, in between bouts of snickering, head shaking and knee-slapping, shared his thoughts about the ongoing 2012 campaign.

"I came into this primary race a very serious candidate", Romney asserted, "But, Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it's hard not to just sit back now and watch these wounded jackals tear each other to shreds."

"Even better are their policy stances", he chuckled, "These muttonheads would paint themselves into the corner of a two-walled room. Their foreign policy positions read like something off a Klan leaflet. We intercepted some talking point strategy papers from the Bachmann camp the other day. They were scrawled in crayon and had frowny faces drawn on them."

Despite the influence of the Tea Party (formerly known as the "John Birch Society") on the 2010 congressional elections, Romney is the sole GOP candidate not directly catering to their purist ideology or shamelessly coveting their votes.

Romney added with great sarcasm, "What are they gonna do? Vote for a black guy?! Or another shit-kickin' Texan? Rick Perry's oratorical flair makes 'W.' look like William F. Buckley. I've seen patio furniture that was more articulate and quicker on its feet than this guy."

While there have been sudden surges in the polls of various Republican candidates, Romney has maintained a steady percentage throughout the early campaign season and debates. The threat of challenges from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former half-term Alaska Governor/Fame-Cunt Sarah Palin were ended recently with both potential candidates refusing to throw their hats in the ring.

Romney commented on the possibility of facing either one.

"Palin certainly never posed any problem whatsoever. Her and Bachmann cancel each other out on the 'Jesus/MILF' vote. And Christie? Well, let's just say, with all these austerity measures so prevalent nowadays, I don't think the White House kitchen staff or the nation could sustain the new chocolate pie budget."

When asked about Libertarian Ron Paul, Romney became a little more serious.

"Here you have a principled man. A man who truly cares about his country and is not afraid to take an unpopular stance when the good of the nation is at stake. I respect Ron Paul. He's the crotchety grandfather I never had, but wished was there to help me cut down the tree my kite was entangled in or scold the neighborhood kids for trespassing and violating our property laws. Fortunately, the guy gets about as much media face time as D. B. Cooper, so no worries there."

Contender Herman Cain has recently put a scare in the Romney campaign with his easily understood and simplistic tax reform plan of "9-9-9".

The front-runner casually dismissed it.

"Leave it to a pizza monger to take the world's most sophisticated tax structure and broil it down to a sales gimmick off a doorknob flier. Has anyone really looked at this thing? I'm a shameless corporatist and efficiency baron who has destroyed viable companies and sent tens of thousands of American jobs overseas for further exploitation in the name of avarice and short-term gain, but even I find this plan Draconian and cruel on its face. I would also like to add, if it means anything at all, that Godfather's Pizza flat out sucked. Is it even still in business? I haven't seen one of those things since Boy George was popular. That crust resembled something out of a Ukrainian tractor factory cafeteria."

"I hate to gloat", crowed Romney, "But this has been a long time coming for me and my people. We suffered a stinging defeat to John McCain in 2008, the results of which are well known now. I had to watch him go on and run, perhaps, the most feeble, error-ridden presidential campaign in American history. First of all, picking that ambitious PTA joke from the middle of nowhere as a running mate, then, losing to the only African-American since Jesse Jackson to run for the office in a predominantly white and inherently racist nation. I was a little bitter."

"Ironically, all the posturing and positioning I have indulged in over the years to find an edge has simply been no match for the sheer happenstance of facing the most laughable slate of idiots, yahoos and ineffectual losers to have ever graced the American political stage."

"Romney 2012, Bitches! The angel Moroni has willed it!", the chuckling candidate shouted to seemingly no one.    

For the past three fucking years, everything a bunch of privileged white protesters in colonial garb did was the cause célèbre of the MSM. The political ramifications of these suburbanite, mostly well-to-do assholes who chose a regrettable sexual term for their movement received coverage and caught the ear and eye of every politician in this land. Note: there is no such thing as the "Tea Party". It's the same hard-right douchebags we've been dealing with all along. They just chose funny clothes this time.

They're simply angry white folk bitching about not being rich enough with NEW tri-corner hats, carrying guns to political speeches, denouncing the elected President as a foreign born usurper, threatening to draw the blood of the tyrants who dare impose the 8th highest tax rate amongst first world industrialized nations AND (important) decrying the WALL STREET BAILOUT of 2008.

And not so peculiarly, their peaceful protests resulted in very few arrests. Actually, many public employees in charge of monitoring these uprisings were amenable to the cause, despite the long term "fuck you" the protestor's demands were calling for in reduced pensions and bargaining rights for the public workers themselves. But cops always seem to be, shall we say, above the fray. Hmmm.

March ahead to the new protests of "Occupy Wall Street" where young "dirty fucking hippies" are protesting the crimes of the same gang of thieves behind the bailout-- and the silence is deafening. Getting asses on the streets like these heroic youngsters are doing is considered anarchy and social unrest. And the NYPD has answered with brutality.

Bunch of criminals and ne'er-do-wells. They'll get what's coming to them.

Could the disconnect be greater?

The chant of "Who are you protecting?" as the protesters are maced or dragged from the sidewalk into the street resonates loudly.

The Tea Partiers believe that in order to stop the collusion of big business and government, the government has to step down and allow the businesses to go unregulated. We have seen first hand the results of that.

The "Occupy Wall Street" crowd believes the prosecution of criminals in the financial industry who have caused fraud, misappropriation of funds, collusion, a housing crisis and the largest disparity of wealth in U.S. history due to theft needs to be carried out.

What "revolution" do you believe in?

Hint: the impeachment of Barack Obama should go on either way.

Of course, the jailing of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney (possible execution) would follow.

Are you comfortable now? Or should we join together on the street named "Wall"?

 Also, check out this:

http://youtu.be/bm3GzlUDhkY

Our focus is fourfold.

First lays our desire to correct the wrongs of the recent past, starting in and around, say, the year 2000, when our nation was hijacked not by terrorist evildoers, but by a cabal of power mad jackasses bolstered by an accommodating Supreme Court against the will of the citizenry. The rule of law will be reinstated. Criminals will be prosecuted. Regardless of their wealth or stature. I'm staring at you, Cheney.

Secondly, we realize that our country's headlong rush into banana republic status must be thwarted and reversed at all costs. This means that unchecked capitalism would return to being checked. Thoroughly. Kind of like a junkie needing an intervention to preserve the sanity of the family. The grotesque increase in the wealth gap of this country can be directly traced to the beginnings of deregulation and the decreases in the progressive tax rate.

Our third emphasis would be on reestablishing trust toward government, streamlining the bureaucracy and setting about to making it work FOR the people again. Its tools and focus would be wrested from the big business interests that now control it and would begin to help (or stay the hell out of the way when need be) with that whole "life, liberty and pursuit of happiness" thing once more. The ability to know when to meddle or cut loose would be the defining principle of our work. For example, the "no nation building" and "victimless crime" mentality put to practical use.

Lastly, and most importantly, we would restore the respect and admiration that the office of the President should have, earned by my ability to be both statesmanlike or willful as the occasion demands-- empathetic to those deserving understanding and hard-lined and unyielding to those espousing bullshit-- all the while appearing good-natured, fun, drunk and cursing like a sailor. Doesn't everyone say they want a leader whom they feel they could have a beer with? How about thirteen, Motherfucker? Get that lobbyist from Xe in here, I'm going to beat him with a car antenna.

Once I assured the members of the committee I was as incorruptible as a mute Tibetan monk under a vow of silence (I don't respond well to offers of money or power) they became convinced of my earnestness in saving the nation for all Americans. This is remarkably true by the way. I live within the modest comfort of my own means. I find unbridled fiscal ambition characteristic of the immoral. Fame-seeking or a hunger for power are the desires of a weak and severely flawed individual. I am looking to instate (not reinstate, because they were never fully there) the foundations of fair play and societal cohesion to this country for every citizen, not just the ones of privilege or a chalky hue.

If that lying, reversible asshole in office right now was the first post-racial President-- I will be the first post-hypocritical President. Won't it be fun to have a leader that just speaks off the cuff and doesn't drown you in rehashed feel-goodisms, jingoistic horseshit and platitudes? Won't it be fun to have a President who uses the words "cunt" and "douchebag" a lot? Particularly in addresses to the nation?

The committee then turned its laser-like gaze toward positioning amongst the field of current candidates.

That gaze turned gleeful when considering the pool of fucknut dominionists, Mormons, a decrepit, cranky old Libertarian and an Uncle Tom being paraded around for the wingers of the GOP slop bucket. The real challenge would be in distinguishing myself from the messianic, abysmal failure that still holds, for fuck knows why, the hearts and minds of the less liberal factions of the Democrat voting bloc. Our sitting President. A guy to the ideological right of Nixon, showing you how far the creeping political slant of the country has pushed the boundaries of sanity to the bellicosity and inhumanity you see before you. It's, well, it's not okay. This guy is a fraud. When you're in that booth, making your choice for the person who will guide your country for the next four years, perhaps over the precipice, it's not enough to say, "Sure, he's a lying piece of shit, but his opponent is an EVIL, lying piece of shit."

That's why I'm approaching from the left. When is the last goddamn time we've had a viable choice representing the desires of the majority of the populous? Every poll, every questionnaire, every interview with the person on the street points to a majority wanting less war, less surveillance, less fear, less military, social safety nets, regulation of big business, health care for all, environmental concern, more education, more community, term limits for politicians, increased taxes on the rich, consumer protection, government jobs programs, rebuilding infrastructure, less lobbyists, less money to Israel, less international interference, disaster relief, etc.-- All "progressive" ideals. It's not a dirty word.

The media sends a different message. The media is owned by people who disagree with these ideals. That is why we are continually pitted against each other. It's now their business to cause false debate. To distract. Not to give news or "afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted". They are mouthpieces for the very people who want you rendered insignificant. Turn the shit off. Fox News or whatever. If it's part of the mainstream media, it's tainted.

Just talk to an average person you meet. Not your nutcase Limbaugh listener in the family or at work. Those are the indoctrinated. And the minority. You might as well talk to a fundamentalist about carbon dating. When you actually engage your fellow citizens, you begin to find out that they're not all right-wing nutjobs or commie faggots ready to undermine your way of life. They're Americans, raising families, with concerns, and an appreciation for the ideas set down in our Constitution. That belief is consistent across the board. The means of getting to that peaceable kingdom is where we find difficulty.

I suggest, as John Steinbeck intimated, it begins with turning the "I" into the "We".

Despite the constant drumbeat for "rugged individuality" in this country, the strength of this nation has always been built on our ability to compromise and our sense of fair play during times of division. The aftermath of the Civil War proved that. As well as World War II when we cohered (unless you were a Japanese-American) in the pursuit of fighting evil, imperial expansionism (oh, the irony!). Even the ideological crisis of the '60s and all the growing pains we went through at that time of war, rebellion, racism, feminism, class struggle and cultural upheaval, we came out better due to a new (if reluctant) understanding and evolved as a nation. Maybe the offshoot to that, the '70s "Me Generation", is our legacy, twisted to fit contemporary times and, unfortunately, without the really good drugs.

It's as if, now, some of us want to rescind all that progress in the name of "Better get yours, I've got mine, and fuck you, I'm out of blow!"

None of us look good in bell bottoms. We need to rethink all of this.

I know I can count on your vote.

Coming Up: Actual detailed campaign platforms and how you can help the cause of "wine & song" and me, as your next President.

Shout out their names!!!

Winston: I remember... I remember something about the communists.

O'Brien: Wrong, Winston! Amerania has always been at war with Mid-Asia.

And so it goes.